I Need A Clean Start with A Clean and Clear Conscience


I’m almost ready for the coming holy week, but I still have one last thing I need to do.

Since my chance of saying it directly to the person is gone, I will write the message here then hope and pray that it will eventually reach them.

I’m writing this because I want to start a new life where thoughts of those people I’ve hurt won’t bother me anymore.

Years ago, I fell in love with someone accidentally. Let’s call him D. I wanted to use B to stick to the alphabet, but his name starts with D. Anyway, I couldn’t accept falling in love with him because this guy was the complete opposite of the guy I imagined myself with and the worst part was he was a stranger. I followed him on twitter because he is a writer. It was one of the reasons, I liked him. He was the first real author and writer, I followed in my account who responded to his fans. It was exciting and it was really nice of him.

As months passed by, I just kept pushing on the back of my mind that I like this guy. Until I decided to join Nanowrimo (I will share this experience in a different post) and I decided to ask what is his advice for aspiring writers like me.

He replied in his own words to focus on the story only I can tell, and to keep practicing. It was the seventh month since I’ve met him and I’ve also observed if this guy has a girlfriend or if he’s married. I never saw this guy posting any picture of a woman.

Ever since then, I would always talk to him and he would always respond. It was a great feeling. For the first time, there was a guy who treats me like a human being, and he is taking me seriously as a person. In my life, guys bully me all the time since grade school, high school, and college. It was nice to have a friend, who is not just someone somehow you could relate and understand, but the best part about D is he will inspire you to do what you love to do and make your dreams come true. I wouldn’t deny that I don’t just feel happy talking to D, I also felt the thrill, but like I said, it was just a crush, but eventually, I started to care more for D.

We have a common friend on twitter, let’s call her C and I believed that she knows everything about D. So for the first time in forever… *kidding* 😉 Anyway, I told her that I have a crush on D.

C told me, you should find another crush. He may be single, but his heart is not free.

I didn’t listen to her, considering it’s not like my feelings were that serious. It’s just a crush and there’s  a reason why God brought this person to my life.

In the next month, this guy posted on twitter that a friend of his needs help in a photography competition. I was curious who the woman was, so I tried looking for her in Facebook, assuming that everybody has Facebook then.  I found her and  her name starts with A.

(Guess, now you know why I was talking about sticking to the alphabet, right? The woman’s name is A, my friend’s name is C, and the guy’s name is D.)

Back to the story, it was fortunate because A doesn’t look like she’s dating D. She’s dating someone else because she’s got intimate photos with another guy. I left her Facebook as soon as possible, because I was invading her privacy and I felt guilty. I even voted for her in the photography competition.

At some point, even if I have a crush on D, I know that it was a long shot for this guy to like me, but I somehow told him that I did and the worst part was my actions toward him showed it. I became clingy, authoritative, and demanding of his attention which maybe annoyed him a lot. There was a part of me that still haven’t accepted the idea of liking this guy and the other part hopes that this guy could like me.

Five months later, I realized that D and A were actually dating. The bad news there was I’m already head over heels in love with D. I felt so betrayed by C. She should have told me, so I could have moved on right away with my life. D and A were together for years, I’m not sure how long.

I felt so ashamed and angry with myself because I disrespected D, and A, and their relationship. It was the first time it happened to me. Whenever I found out that the guy I liked was already involved, I would move on as fast as I could manage. After all, it’s easier to move on, when you have less feelings rather than when you have deeper feelings.

Since, I have told D that I somehow liked him, he stopped talking to me and started to ignore me. It hurt, but I didn’t regret it. Through that experience, I also found out what kind of person he is.

Reminds me of the saying, If you want to know what a man is like, look at how he treats his inferiors and those who can do nothing for him.

It’s a simple math, if someone likes you and you don’t like them, you should just need to tell them with a brief message like I’m flattered, but I don’t like you. Or they could say, I’m flattered, but I’m already with someone else. I wish he told me that then ignored me than just made me feel that I was just trash to him like I don’t have feelings. I made a mistake and I didn’t mean it and it was too late when I realized all the misunderstandings.

Sometimes I’m mad at D and sometimes I’m not because I know I made a mistake. And also, because I already know the reason why he came into my life and I know why he stopped talking to me.

Even if I made a mistake, nobody should correct that mistake or punish that person by committing another mistake, right?

I’m still a human being with emotions. He was older than me and he was more mature, he should have shown that he was a better person than I am.

Like I mentioned before, he inspired me. The most important thing is he was a big catalyst in my life. He gave my life a 180-degree turn or maybe a 360. I became wiser and stronger and I experienced immense growth as a person and when it comes to my career with this guy. Even if it didn’t workout, or this guy stopped talking to me, I’m not angry because I instead feel grateful with the growth I’ve experienced. If I never met this guy, I wouldn’t have experienced growth.

What infuriates me is D and A probably hate me because I disrespected them and their relationship.

I want to formally apologize and to explain myself badly, but it’s been years since I left them alone and I don’t have any direct and private way to contact them. I want their forgiveness. I want a clean and clear conscience, especially after the holy week.  I already went to confession, but that’s not enough.

Another thing that stresses me is C. I don’t understand why she never told me straight to the point. She’s a mother and she’s older than me. If she told me the truth, I would have never disrespected D and A, and their relationship. I honestly don’t want to be friends with people  I don’t understand. People who don’t really care about me. I want someone honest and transparent and not someone who’s going to lie to me even if it means hurting me. I’m not mad at her anymore, just disappointed. I know that a person can never be happy if she let anger, grudges or hatred rule her life and her heart.

D’s opinion of me, is important to me. He is a friend and I know that he took me seriously as a person. It’s been years, all I want for him and A is the best and their happiness. I really want to hear from them that they understood my situation and that they forgive me.

This is my message to them:

D and A,

I’m so sorry for the things I did to both of you in the past. It was never my intention to throw myself to D and flirt with him at some point. I didn’t really know that you two were involved. I can make excuses and say, I was young and stupid, but then, I really was.  I wished I knew better.

I’m so sorry. If ever you get to read this message, I hope both of you can forgive me. You belong in my past and I have no space for you in my present. And I know you don’t want me in your life too. I wish you love, happiness, success, and health. I’m officially closing a chapter of my life that includes the two of you.


Now that, I’ve let this burden out. I just want to fix everything in my life that is wrong.

Maybe I will feel better and lighter in the days to come.

My New Life Chapter 1

Now I can have a clean start with a clean and clear conscience.

A good start. New life. New beginning.


6 thoughts on “I Need A Clean Start with A Clean and Clear Conscience

  1. Pingback: My Lovemap: D | Miss Cassiopeia

  2. Pingback: Relationship Analysis: Before Trilogy | Miss Cassiopeia

  3. Well done for getting it off your chest and letting it out! It’s also great how you’re looking back on this in a mature way. I don’t know if this will help or not, but since you say this event happened years ago, hopefully both D & A have forgotten about it themselves. You were holding onto the memory because of your guilt, but I think (or at least, I hope) they probably don’t even think about this event anymore. It seems likely to me that they don’t 😊 So go ahead, close that chapter of life, let go of your regrets and be happy! It’s great that you had the courage and honesty to apologise.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Yusra, your response gave me assurance. I guess I really need to learn to forgive myself too.

      The thing is since I am pursuing my writing career, I am pursuing an industry where he’s already in. So whether I like it or not, there’s a strong probability that three of us are going to cross paths again.

      Aside from that, when I finally made some of my plans happen, and I surely will, I want to face my family, friends, them, the world and say that I’m not a perfect person, I’ve made mistakes, I acknowledged and I’m doing my best to live with the best version of myself.

      I want to face everyone as a clean person, not perfect, but someone who grew up, overcame hurdles and challenges, corrected my mistakes, and the best part is someone who is doing her best to help and serve other people.

      I’ve never thought that writing this before in a blog post because I want to apologize to them face to face. I want to show them my sincerity.

      There is a saying with a message like this, forgiveness is not just about acknowledging your wrong, it’s because the person and the relationship or brief friendship we had was more important than your pride.

      D gave me something that nobody in my entire life could give, I owe him that much, I could never repay it.

      I was a student and he was my mentor in different ways.


    • Yeah. It’s been a long time, but when I was writing this, it felt like it was just yesterday.

      I cried in the middle of writing it.
      Now I feel okay. It’s a bit anticlimactic though. 😉


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