Coping Too Much

This week is my Uncle’s birthday. If you’ve read my other posts, I’ve already mentioned him in my other post.

Like I said in the previous post, his story is that he got jailed for something, and he felt abandoned by his parents (my grandparents) and also, he feels neglected when he was young (I was born at that time) because according to other relatives they explained that all the attention was given to me. I understand why he hates me so much.

He compensated for all the shortcomings in his life by fighting for his right and what he believes in. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? It’s a *coping mechanism, it’s normal. One of the things I’ve noticed while growing up is that my grandmother don’t reprimand him that much when he makes mistakes because she’s guilty of something, but my grandfather does. That’s why they never got along up until the time that he died.

According to the article, Malignant Narcissists have a very fragile and reactive sense of self. They are extremely self-involved and have a highly inflated view of themselves, which masks profound vulnerability and shame. They are fueled by praise and admiration and deeply injured by criticism and even honest feedback. Benign comments or constructive criticism threaten their fragile self-esteem and can trigger anger. All of these qualities interfere with a narcissists’ ability to form healthy relationships. Those partnered with narcissists can feel quite lonely and exhausted by trying to shore up their partners and tiptoe around their sensitivities.

My uncle will never change for the better because he’s personality is set on stone. I’ve watched him while growing up and he portrays the definition above perfectly. In fact, I’m afraid every time my grandmother and him is fighting. He might hit her or do something to her. Besides he’s hurt himself and other people around him. He has a dog, but he’s lack of empathy on other living things just gets to me, and he never understands what he’s done wrong when any of us gets mad at him.

There was once a cat who got stranded in front of my door. He got stuck beside this old metallic cargo package. I don’t even understand how the cat got there, but I do remember that he kicked the package hard to the corner of the wall and left while the cat was beside it. I just went up to check the commotion because the dogs are acting crazy. The cat wasn’t hurt, Thank God, but I was surprised to find that there was a cat. It’s body was hanging upside down and his head was close to the ground. He was stuck like that. I had to remove all the things inside the package to move the package so the cat could leave.

When my grandmother got admitted in the hospital, he didn’t feel empathy or sadness about it. Instead, when we got home, he cried for our dog who died. My relatives and I were all scared and devastated that my grandmother might get worse. We were so scared to lose her, but to him. It was nothing to him.

With the way that he acts, I don’t believe what some literature said that people who love animals can never hurt a person or other animals.

During the weekend, Sunday, my grandmother told me to bake a cake for his birthday. On Tuesday, they had a fight, he was rude and disrespectful to her. So Wednesday came, his birthday, she told me not to bake the cake. I pity my Uncle, but when he starts talking, I just end up hating him, because he doesn’t get what’s wrong with what he’s doing. I’m very confused on how I’m going to treat him. I feel bad for him, but he’s never going to change. The way my parents and other relatives treat him will not change him or even cure him. He ended up that way because of his upbringing. I pity him, so that day, I still ended up greeting him on his birthday because it doesn’t feel right to ignore his birthday. Ignoring his birthday won’t make things right or make him realize that he did something wrong. It will just make things worse.

My parents and relatives are so good being in denial. They think everything is alright and that there’s nothing wrong with my Uncle. They think he’s normal, so when he did something wrong, they believe that getting mad at him will set him right. They’re just scaring him, so he’ll follow what they want and behave. In the long run, it just contributes to how he is now. They committed several mistakes in raising him, and now we’re all facing the consequences, and they don’t know how to fix what they’ve done to him.

Today is Thursday, and some of my grandmother’s money went missing. I will admit that I’ve stolen money from her before, but I’m trying to change, I’m trying to get a new life. I’m trying to amend my sins, I wish I could undo what I did, I’ve asked for their forgiveness, I’ve confessed twice, baptized again last April. I’m doing my best to become a better person, and to gain their trust again. The point is I regret it, and I’m so sorry, very sorry. So today, since the only people around my grandmother is me and him, we were the prime suspects. I’m not angry because I understand where they’re coming from and why they’re angry. It just hurts. This other aspect of me, I’ll reserve it to another post.

My other Aunt got mad at us and said a lot of hurtful things. I’m hurt, but I’m not angry, and I’m used to her personality. That’s normal for her, and she knows how bad her personality is. I’m so afraid because he’s so angry and told me and my grandmother that if my other Aunt say more bad things to him, he’ll kill her. I’m he just said that out of anger, but I know that some people tends to lose it when they are angry.

My Uncle compensated for all the shortcomings in his life. He became selfish. He doesn’t think of other people’s welfare, and even his family. He only thinks of his. He coped successfully, but it didn’t really made him a better person, he got worse.

If he’s not a malignant narcissist, what do you call him?

What are the other ways to describe him?

Well, when you correct him or criticize him, he acts defensively, automatically. He raises his voice. He blows things out of proportion. He makes everything a big deal. He’s also very good in playing the victim, so he could rationalize and validate his actions today. You can never argue with him or even correct him because his mind works differently. He’s always right, and everyone around us are wrong to him. I did mention he hurt someone else before. He seems to be unstable to me.

Despite everything, he’s family, he’s my uncle. We will never abandon him. Deep inside, I still want him to become a better person. But how?

Everybody should have coping mechanisms to overcome the bad experiences and situations in their life, but they should balance it, and not overdo it.

*Thusly marked words are defined on this LINK.

2 thoughts on “Coping Too Much

  1. I’ve learned there’s nothing you can do to change someone, you can only encourage them to change themselves. Most of the time people like your uncle will not change, and that’s something everyone in his life will have to accept about him.

    My own family has problems with selfishness, and I’ve learned over the years not to give them money or financial support in any way, because it always comes back to bite me. It’s enabling them and their poor decisions. So yes, I love them. But no, I won’t enable them anymore. So they can call me selfish for not helping, but they are the selfish ones for not making better life choices and for always relying on other people to just live.

    Believe me, I get it. Sometimes the only thing to do is just to let go.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I understand what you mean, but what troubles me is the safety.
      When he did something wrong, we have to be tight-lipped because he won’t accept corrections. And when some of us say something he doesn’t like, he gets angry, or worse he’ll hurt himself, and he already did that multiple times, or he might hurt us, and he already did that too.
      The man he hurt was just kind enough not to put him in jail because my grandmother talked to him.
      Anyway, don’t claim that you’re selfish because you’re not giving them money or supporting them. It’s your money, there’s no rule that you should give them your money.
      And another thing, you’re preventing them to do the wrong things by not giving them money. That’s concern and love, not selfishness.
      Don’t compare yourself with him, trust me, both of you are different. He’s selfishness and lack of empathy is quite disturbing to me. It’s scary. I honestly don’t want to live with him or be left alone with him. I’m afraid that he might get Amy’s tendencies from Gone Girl.

      Like

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