Relationship Analysis: Gone Girl

S P O I L E R  A L E R T

“When I think of my wife.

I always think of her head.

I picture cracking her lovely skull and spoil her brains

trying to get answers.

The primal questions of every marriage.

What are you thinking?

How are you feeling?

What have we done to each other?”

Those are the lines that started the movie. Honestly, I started, WTH did he do?

Gone Girl is a 2014 American psychological thriller film directed by David Fincher and adapted by Gillian Flynn from her 2012 novel of the same name. It stars Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike. Set in the Midwestern United States, the film’s story begins as a mystery which follows the events surrounding Nick Dunne (Affleck), who becomes the primary suspect in the sudden disappearance of his wife, Amy (Pike).

How did the characters meet? 

Nick and Amy met at a party. To Amy, she seemed to have figured Nick out right away, but she let him pick her up anyway. I have to admit, I was captivated by their conversation. The scriptwriter did a great job and the actors portrayed the scene well.

How are the characters in the movie are attracted to each other?

Nick approached Amy and made a move on her right away. It was downright explosive flirting and *sexual chemistry. The book is somewhat different from the movie, so I’ll say here that in the book, Nick opened up right away about his life in Missouri. Amy loved the attention and she enjoyed it.

Is it *true love or *lust at first sight?

Well, they were both drawn to each other, the moment they laid eyes on each other. They made each other laugh, and they somehow got each other when they first met. It was not love at first sight  it’s definitely the other.

What is the man’s *lovemap? Is it healthy or not?

Nick is a laid back interesting guy born from Missouri. His lovemap is not healthy because he married the wrong woman. He married a woman who was born entitled and privilege. He is close to his family.

Ben Affleck for me was able to give justice to the role due to his experiences in marriage, unfortunately. He played the cocky man, Amy just met, and he played well the laid back odd man who didn’t look grief stricken when Amy went missing.

What is the woman’s lovemap? It is healthy or not?

As I mentioned before, Amy was born entitled and privileged to parents with very high expectations. Her parents wrote a book and based it on her, but the character turned out differently in the book. Despite the differences, the media acknowledges Amy.

For example, when Amy gave up playing Cello, Amy in the children’s book became a prodigy. That is just one example.

Can a person influence or create their son’s/ daughter’s an unhealthy lovemap? Yes, definitely, with the right circumstances. Amy’s parents did a great job raising her to become a narcissist and a psychopath. In fact, it’s one of the reasons, why Rosamund Pike was able to play the role effectively. She read the book quickly and studied the character. Fortunately, she is also an only daughter.

Raising Amy the way her parents did, was a good set up.

Amy married the wrong guy. At first, I thought she was trying to be a better person than her parents, but in the end, she turned out to be the worse.

Does the relationship contribute to the growth of each person in the relationship?

Here’s what I can say, at first, they were both optimistic, understanding, and so in love that they won’t become like the other couples.

But just like Amy narrated, test your marriage by adding the recession, minus their two jobs, and moving to Missouri equals to the disintegration of their marriage. They didn’t help each other grow, they brought out the worst in each other. Their marriage flew out the window, once they are done on the honeymoon stage.

Do the personalities balance each other, complete each other, or makes them a good team?

It’s a yes because Amy and Nick are the abusers and they also let themselves be the victim of their marriage.

No, because they’ve come from different worlds. When they got married, they were just full of optimism. Optimism don’t make relationships work and last longer, it’s just a temporary band-aid to their simple problems. That is why they’ve grown apart and had a hard time understanding each other because of their differences and the decisions Nick made for Amy.

Are they capable of maintaining a long-lasting relationship?

I certainly bet that they won’t be able to do it. A marriage full of lies, deception, and abuse. I feel so bad for their unborn child. This kind of marriage might last since they enjoy their roles of being the abusers and victims of each other.

What needs to be improved to make the relationship work and last longer?

This is such a hard question to answer considering what happened. So I am going to let the ending be, and say they need to learn to forgive each other, get to know each other again, and work hard on their marriage.

Nick needs to stop being lazy, stop drinking, find a proper job for the future of their child, stop treating his wife like a doormat, stop using her just for sex, and stop cheating on her.

Amy needs to find a proper job, stop acting like a doormat, and speak her opinions.

There are people or characters like Nick and Amy in real life, but how the story ended didn’t make sense, It wasn’t right, it wasn’t practical, and it wasn’t realistic. Gillian Flynn defended the ending of her book, and it’s clear that when she wrote the book, she wasn’t aiming for a happy ending acceptable to the society. She just ended the book the way she wants it.

I like Amy’s character, but it wasn’t my first time encountering a character like her, and a story as disturbing as theirs. I like Amy, but I’ll get tired of her character eventually. Another but is I’ll continue loving other characters like her, and books that have preferable endings. They are not happy endings, just acceptable ones.

Below are some of the popular quotes in the movie and last is the trailer. If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing quite a shocking story.

*Thusly marked words are defined on this LINK.

Relationship Analysis: Stockholm, Pennsylvania

* S P O I L E R  A L E R T * Read at your own risk.

*Stockholm, Pennsylvania, is about a girl, Lea, who was kidnaped when she was 4 years old and she struggled to feel at home when they rescued her after 17 years.

The psychologist encouraged Lea to express herself and her concern is for Lea to feel supportive and express what she what she want and whatever she feels.

Ben, Lea’s kidnapper, is the only Father figure she knows. He also locked her up in a room and just brings her food, water, clothes, and toys. When Lea visited him in jail. She asked him, did you know you were changing things about me like my name and my birthday. He told her, all I know is I was giving you new things. You can’t change what you don’t know.

Her mom has a few good points in the movie, but in the end she started treating Lea like Ben.

Good points:

• Never giving up on searching for Lea.
• Trying to understand her daughter by reading and knowing the consequences of her daughter being kidnapped.
• Trying to bond with her and trying techniques to make Lea understand and learn to trust people.

Bad points:

• She lost it when her daughter went missing and visited her kidnapper. She got mad and hit her.

She lost control, her patience, and her insanity.

She threw out her husband.

She locked herself up in their house and she locked Lea up in her room.

She made Lea stopped seeing her psychologist.

She also did not let the tutor come into their house.

She made a schedule for Lea and she only brings food and water to her room.

When the psychologist visited their place, her mom was forced to agree that she will let her daughter visit the Psychologist on her session. In the end, her mom taught her what answers to say to the psychologist.

After behaving, she let Lea into the kitchen, but she tied her up to her or to the furniture around her.

Is this how people love? Lea asked her mom, but she didn’t answer.

Lea’s *lovemap was messed up by Ben. He replaced Lea’s bond with her mom, with his interaction with her for seventeen years. He became a father figure in Lea’s eyes. After she was rescued, she misses him and wants to be with him.

When she met her parents, she doesn’t recognize them and remember them or even her memories in their house when she was young.

More importantly, the way Lea views love is twisted because of how Ben treated her all these years. She also grew up practicing the same beliefs, Ben has.
The sad part is out of desperation, her mom ended up treating Lea, the way Ben did, so instead of correcting the way Lea views love, she contributed to it.

The worst part is she taught Lea the opposite of what her Psychologist taught her and also made her feel the opposite too. She didn’t let Lea express herself, and didn’t make Lea feel supportive during the ordeal. I won’t say, Lea’s situation, became worst, her mom just became her another abuser.

Interested? Watch the movie for more information.

*Thusly marked words are defined on this LINK.

Bullying is a form of Psychological Abuse

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

My family raised us with nannies for almost for twenty-two or so. They should have taught us how to be responsible when we are little, even we’re seven.

Just like the mom, in the movie, The Incredibles. They told their children never to use their powers. Then the day came, that they were all in danger, the mom suddenly expected Violet and Dash to just do it right.

According to a research, you can teach the children concepts as early as the age of three. For example, a child can learn the concept of responsibility by picking up their toys at a certain age. As they grew older, add something to that like putting dishes in the sink, then help in preparing food on the table, and washing dishes. As they reached puberty, they may be capable to do some of the household chores, just those that are safe and they can do. When they reach 18, they are already capable of taking care of themselves and handling the household chores.

My parents expected me to act as an adult just like that without teaching and preparing me for it and also because of their strict upbringing. I don’t know how to clean, cook, and information about sex. I learned them all on my own. I have several regrets in my life because I never got the chance to do them.

At home, my Aunt’s personality terrorized and traumatized me.

According to article, Trauma resets personality, by Nigel Barber Ph.D, research showed that

Fear of physical harm is one important source of psychological problems. Fear of social rejection is less obvious but potentially just as important. A great deal of evidence suggests that corporal punishment  and scolding, make children turn out more aggressive and antisocial (3).

Interestingly, the effects of different kinds of unpleasant experiences on the brain are equivalent because they are mediated by the same stress hormones. Such effects involve an alteration in the brain anatomy and function (4,5). They include intellectual stunting; delinquency, poor impulse control; lack of work motivation; and precocious sexuality (3).

It is as though a stressful childhood primes people to focus on immediate gains to themselves regardless of the consequences (3).

In grade school, high school, and college, a bunch of my classmates bully me. They call me names behind my back, they make fun of me so they could feel good about themselves, they call my home and swore at me. My parents didn’t know any of that happening, my teachers didn’t do anything about that.

BULLYING

THE CYCLES OF BULLYING

TYPES OF BULLY BEING REPORTED

So what are the signs of a traumatized child?

I just restrained some parts of my personality at home especially in front of my Aunt. I detached myself from the situation. I was too ashamed to tell my parents what was happening in school. So I ignored them instead.  I didn’t learn from my parents any way to cope with what I’m feeling and experiencing. I didn’t have proper coping, and defense mechanisms to handle a situation. That is why it’s very hard for me to let go of my dreams and people I couldn’t have in my life. They’re my only source of comfort and they assure me that my situation will get better, and I’m going to be happy.

Instead of handling it properly, if I’m not reading or writing, I’ve spent my time fantasizing and daydreaming for a life with my mom where my Aunt is not there yelling and controlling everything I do. My classmates won’t be there to bully me.

In college, things were different. My best friend and my other friends comforted me and defended me from those bullies. I have another friend who comforted me because of the way my Aunt treats me. Being in college, that’s where I started to learn how to handle things, how to defend myself, learn more about myself, and where I finally understood my personality. My strengths, my weaknesses, and my rights as a person.

When it hurts too much, I cried for my mom who was working out of the country, and I cried for my Dad I didn’t know. Eventually, I realized that no matter how I cried for them, they’re never going to materialized in front of me to comfort me.
Whenever I wanted something, my parents would always say no. So I stopped voicing out what I want and need. I grew up like that not voicing anything, and I also don’t know how to open up.

Back then, I was just so good in pretending everything is fine in front of everyone. Deep inside, I was depressed about my situation, and I was waiting for my mom to take me away from this hell hole and she didn’t. She never did. It was so sad and very disappointing. I was expecting her to save me, but she never came. She thought that if I go to US, I will end up pregnant as a teenager.

I know what I want, but since I was a little girl and when I’m high school, I didn’t pursue it because I was trying to please them, to make them happy. They got used to it, and they started to continue deciding for me. It’s too late before I realized that I wanted to become a writer and a broadway actor. My Aunt and Grandmother believes, their way is the best way.

The problem with them, I have another uncle who also have issues growing up. They made a mistake in how they raised him, and still they made the same mistake with me. My cousins, my Uncle and I don’t have the same personality, and the same circumstances, so don’t expect us to act react the same way.

According to James Lehman, MSW, child behavior therapist, “These are people who grow up willing to accept higher levels of abuse in their marriages and their friendships.  They become desensitized to disrespect and abuse. They become numb to how it really feels to be called a name. They tolerate higher levels of disrespect and abuse in other areas of their life once they become adults.  Their ability to be assertive also diminishes.

They learn not to assert themselves.  They learn how to avoid people and situations, and it can hamper their social skills.  In our world, a certain degree of assertiveness is necessary to communicate in a way that gets your needs met, and these kids don’t learn how to do that“.

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent and child.
I just want someone who will listen, make me feel loved, comforted and safe.

That’s why I want to desperately finish my book, The Guardian Program, where parents and children could have better, and close relationships at home and in school.

Is that too much to ask?

How can you trust someone when you’re afraid of them?

How can you think clearly, do the right thing, be smart, and if you’re standing where you are paralyzed?

Abuse and Sexual Assault

April is the National Child Abuse Prevention Month and also the Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I know this post is late, but I want to give my two cents

I’ve always been passionate about the topic Abuse ever since we reported it in class back in 2006 on our Ethics class. I saved all the information, outline and PowerPoint to this day, thinking that it might help me someday to do something about the victims and people who might still be in an abusive relationship.

Even if the matter focuses on children, I will, however, focus on adults as well.

So what is abuse?

Abuse is about power and control, the betrayal of trust, and lack of respect. It’s about using force or threats to make you afraid. It’s about using fear to control. It’s about a Man’s effort to exert control in a relationship. It’s also a way to break someone’s confidence and self-esteem.

In our time now, I know that the majority of the people are aware, but there are those who still aren’t aware. They don’t know that their actions toward someone is an abuse itself, because of them “abuse” is merely physically hitting someone.

I, myself, had received verbal and emotional abuse for more than a decade of my life and I only realized it in 2006. At some point, I was aware because I was traumatized by this relative and I exhibited the symptoms of trauma, especially when I was with this person even now. It was unfortunate, I’ve only taken an action in 2009.

I wouldn’t say that my case is already resolved and I’m okay. It still bothers me to this day, although that relative had changed because of what I did in 2009, she tries to control her anger with me, but somehow she still hasn’t changed completely, her words put me down, she underestimates me, and I can’t be myself around her. Somehow she hadn’t realized that her personality traumatized and terrorized me since I was a little girl and most of the time, she will only get mad and shout at me when she had enough and when my grandfather would stop her.

My family had turned a blind eye on what happen, especially when a counsellor contacted one my Aunts and told her about my concerns. My relative’s personality continues to traumatize me, that person didn’t do anything to reverse what I felt. I’m still afraid of her, I don’t trust her that much, my fear of her paralyses me and makes me act stupid or dumb in front of her, I still walk on eggshells whenever she’s there and the worst part is I can’t be myself when she’s around. My family, including her thinks it’s tough love and it’s the right way to discipline. She told me herself that she had no regrets in raising us the way they did.

The worst part is when it comes to my dream of becoming a writer, she is instead forcing me to do something else. My whole family were belittling my dream as a writer. They are putting me down and they have complete disregard when it comes to my dream. Is it so wrong of me to share this? I was eleven years old when I realized I love to write.

Since I grasped that my family is trying to control me, as my counsellor had advised years ago, I’m asserting myself. I’m doing what I love to do, I refuse to conform to her rules, and I refuse to compromise my personality and individuality to please her or anyone at all. It’s my way of showing them, they can’t control me. Nobody can control me. What they didn’t know is, the more they force their way of life and their will on me, the more they make me angry and desperate to make my dreams come true, and the more I want to rebel against them. The day I will give up on writing is the day I will cease living, but I would never let that happen.

When my Grandfather died, I promised him I would protect myself from everyone around me. He is the only person who made me feel loved, safe, and protected. My Grandfather was a retired military officer. He raised my Aunts and Uncles the military way. He may be strict, but he knows how to show me love and he also became a soft person when I was born. My Aunt only knew how to be mean, strict and cold toward us. She loves being right and because she’s right and she’s got good credentials, she’s not going to listen to people who are below her. She told me that too.

With what I’ve experienced, I want to emphasize other forms of abuse and the consequences. Consequences that could last a lifetime unless the person receives counselling sessions or talks to someone that will make them realize they are in an abusive relationship and they don’t deserve how they are being treated by a friend, partner, spouse, colleague or family member.

Aside from this, I was bullied in grade school, high school, and college. It stopped because I learned how to defend myself and I have friends and teachers who supported me.

Cycles of Abuse

Relationship of Abuser

Forms of Abuse

• Sexual assault: threatening to harm your reputation; putting you down or comparing you sexually to others; getting back at you for refusing to have sex, sleeping around; or treating you as a sex object; forcing you to look at pornography; hounding you for sex or forcing certain positions; forcing you to have sex (rape).

 

• Verbal: verbally threatening you (telling you to stop crying… or else); calling you names (stupid, slut, crazy, bitch…); yelling, shouting; abusing your children; being sarcastic or critical; always blaming you for things that go wrong; insulting you/your family; laughing in your face; verbal.

     

• Financial/economic: controlling you by not paying the bills; refusing to give you money for groceries, clothing, things you need; spending all the money on things he wants (alcohol, trips, cars, sports); forbidding you to work outside the home; taking your money or your paycheck; not letting you take part in financial decisions.
• Emotional/psychological: making you afraid; playing ‘mind games’; not telling you what he is doing; lying; ignoring you; being silent; walking away from you in discussion (unless both of you have agreed to taking a ‘time-out’ period when arguments become heated); refusing to deal with issues; putting you down; finding fault in your behavior; brainwashing; refusing to do things with you or for you; always getting his own way; criticizing how you look or act.

 

• Social: putting you down; ignoring you; making a scene in public; embarrassing you in front of your children; not letting you see your friends or being rude to your friends; being nice to others but changing his personality when with you; not taking responsibility for the children; turning your children against you; choosing friends or family over you; comparing you unfavourably with other women; not allowing you to express your emotions (denying your feelings); taking your passport or threatening to have you deported.
• Spiritual Abuse: May include preventing a woman from participating in spiritual or religious practices, ridiculing her beliefs, or using spiritual beliefs to justify controlling her.

Consequences of Abuse

A person who experienced any form of abuse

• Lives in constant fear, worry, guilt, and self-blame.
• They may feel worthless and helpless or ashamed and may feel like a failure
• Effects of emotional abuse/ psychological abuse can’t be seen, but it can be just as harmful and last much longer than injuries
• Anyone experiencing abuse of any kind may feel that no one could ever love them.
• They will feel stupid, ugly and all alone.
• Being abused may undermine virtually every aspect of their life, their physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental health, their ability to work, their relationships with family members and friends, their self-efficacy and fundamental sense of self-worth.
• The effects of physical abuse can be black eyes, broken bones, bruises, burns, concussions, cuts, scratches even death.

• The psychological effects include low self-esteem, self-degradation, self-abuse, difficulty with relationships.
• Acute anxiety, frequent crying, unusual or pronounced fear responses, uncontrolled or rapid anger responses, chronic stress, phobias, flashback, sleep disturbances, nightmares, lack of appropriate boundaries, arrested development, passivity, memory loss, loss of concentration and productivity.

I had experienced majority of these things and I did my best to move on and stand up on my own. Most of the time, my writing and some of my friends helped me overcome those days where I felt down about myself, my dreams and I deserved how I was treated.

Even with those experiences, I’m aware that I have a strong personality and a strong will, and that helped me too. At the same time, I used what I learned in helping other people like me. However, my parents took my actions of asserting myself as a way of rebellion because I used to be the push-over kid who followed everything they say.

To anyone who is experiencing things I’ve mentioned above, please get a professional help or talk to a friend. And if you know anyone who is suffering from these experiences, talk to them and help them.

These experiences are not something anyone can joke about. It will affect someone’s life for a long time and nobody could reverse the effects of abuse and sexual assault overnight, or for a year or so. It takes a long time and it takes a lot of work and understanding.

I may sound okay, but there are still days where I have to work on my own issues, cheer myself up and tell myself that everything is going to be alright. When I was a little girl, I loved the idea of being able to read someone’s mind, as I grew up I realized that the closest way for me to read someone is to learn about people, behavior, and their motivations. Due to my experiences I became a strong person and more careful in letting people in. I constantly read people’s personality around me and their actions to know if these people are someone I could trust or not.

There are different ways to know if you are in an abusive relationship. Complete the checklist below, and get a professional help or help from other friends, and family.

To take this test, click here.

Teachers, parents, and experts need to teach the concept of Abuse in School because according to research from the Journal of Religion and Health, Vol. 33, No. 1, Spring 1994, surveyed 644 high school students (351 males and 293 females). Of these respondents, 12.1% reported that they had an abuser or a victim of abuse in a dating relationship. The onset of violence in these relationships occured on the average when the students were 15.3 years of age.

Based on the victims’ reports, the violence entailed being pushed, grabbed or shoved (62.8%), slapped (50%), kicked, bitten, hit with fists (28.2%), being the target of a thrown object (15.4%), hit with an object (14.1%), beaten (3.8%), threatened with a knife (1.3%), or stabbed or shot (1.3%).

Yes, the result is old, so try to imagine or speculate what are the numbers now. We all know that even if there are several groups campaigning anti-abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault awareness, abuse is still prevalent everywhere.

If I could wish for anything, I wish that nobody will experience any form of abuse and sexual assault in any relationship and that everyone instead will have a close and loving relationship with everyone around them.

While I was looking for images to include in this post, it was so hard seeing other pictures of abuse because even if my experiences weren’t physical, they still hurt when I remember them. Deep inside I was thinking, maybe I shouldn’t post this or that I should never write about something like this. It’s heartbreaking and it gives me goosebumps, but I know what I want to do. I want to overcome my past for good and I want to use my voice and my writing to help.