Parenting is

Parenting is like an art. You will find several books, and articles, saying how to do it and claiming it’s the best and right advice. The truth is, all those advice won’t apply to all children.

I believe that parents should still read those books and articles. Consider them as a guidance, after all, they are still based from other parents’ experiences.

But learning how to raise someone shouldn’t just end on reading, and shouldn’t just end on experience and trial-and-error. I recommend doing both.

A parent is irresponsible to me, if he/ she is only raising their child based on experience alone and on the fact that one way of parenting is good for every children.

I’m a product of that kind of parenting and they made several mistakes. The worst part is I’m not even the first person they’ve raised wrong, my uncle is the first.

They know he developed problems for the way he was raised and yet they think they’re blameless.

It would’ve been more okay if they admitted they made a mistake and they’ve done something to correct it, but they’re not doing anything. I’m never going to follow their methods as a parent, I’ll make sure I’ll do better and I’ll make sure I’ll have a better, open, and closer relationship with my children.

So parents have to get to know your children, what influences their behavior, and their personality, and only apply the rules that will fit the factors that will influence their behavior, and their personality.

Parents, come and share your insights and experiences on parenting. Big or small, what you’ve been through will help other parents.

If you know other parents, please share it too.
Thank you and have a great day!

Share your insights and experiences on parenting here.

You’re raising a child, not fixing a problem

It’s not so often that a person gets to have a favorite topic be talked about in front of people you want them pay attention to.

This morning, my family and I went to Church, and the priest (oops, sorry, I didn’t get his name) talked about…

Tada!

Yes, parenting.

He even shared several quotes from different Authors of books he read and some lines he got from Parenting Articles. I wanted badly to burst into tears during the sermon because the priest, he was telling us, some of the things I wanted my parents to know.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find one of the Authors he mentioned, I must have spelled the name wrong. One of the Authors he shared was James Lehman, he writes for the page, Empowering Parents.

The other one is R.L Noss? I’m not sure, but if his name resembles anything, please inform me.

So, I’m going to paraphrase the three things he said awhile ago:

(1) Focus on who your child is, not what he does. Get to know your children instead of just working hard and paying to give them food, clothes, shelter, and education.

(2) Parenting is just like shepherding sheeps. In raising sheeps, you should be in front to lead them, so they could follow you. You’re not raising a cow because if you do, you have to be on top of them, you have to push them, and you have to hit them to move.

If you hit the sheep, it will only fear you, but it won’t follow you because it doesn’t trust you. You need your children to trust you, if they fear you, they’re not learning, you’re only reinforcing a behavior by scaring them. If you disappear from their lives, they might lose that learned behavior and they might live their whole lives afraid to meet another person like you.

(3) You’re raising a child, not fixing a problem. As you raise your children, focus on getting to know them deeply, understanding them, and forming a bond that will solidify your relationship. Don’t just approach parenting as if you’re fixing a problem.

(4) Don’t put tags on your children. Examples are Black sheep, white sheep, the nicest, the naughtiest, etc.

(5) Children learn by watching parents. It’s their job before they go to school. Do your best to bec ome the best model for your children.

(6) If you’re close to dying, what kind of image and what words would you leave your child?

How about you? Any additional tips?

Till next time. 😉

Bullying is a form of Psychological Abuse

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

My family raised us with nannies for almost for twenty-two or so. They should have taught us how to be responsible when we are little, even we’re seven.

Just like the mom, in the movie, The Incredibles. They told their children never to use their powers. Then the day came, that they were all in danger, the mom suddenly expected Violet and Dash to just do it right.

According to a research, you can teach the children concepts as early as the age of three. For example, a child can learn the concept of responsibility by picking up their toys at a certain age. As they grew older, add something to that like putting dishes in the sink, then help in preparing food on the table, and washing dishes. As they reached puberty, they may be capable to do some of the household chores, just those that are safe and they can do. When they reach 18, they are already capable of taking care of themselves and handling the household chores.

My parents expected me to act as an adult just like that without teaching and preparing me for it and also because of their strict upbringing. I don’t know how to clean, cook, and information about sex. I learned them all on my own. I have several regrets in my life because I never got the chance to do them.

At home, my Aunt’s personality terrorized and traumatized me.

According to article, Trauma resets personality, by Nigel Barber Ph.D, research showed that

Fear of physical harm is one important source of psychological problems. Fear of social rejection is less obvious but potentially just as important. A great deal of evidence suggests that corporal punishment  and scolding, make children turn out more aggressive and antisocial (3).

Interestingly, the effects of different kinds of unpleasant experiences on the brain are equivalent because they are mediated by the same stress hormones. Such effects involve an alteration in the brain anatomy and function (4,5). They include intellectual stunting; delinquency, poor impulse control; lack of work motivation; and precocious sexuality (3).

It is as though a stressful childhood primes people to focus on immediate gains to themselves regardless of the consequences (3).

In grade school, high school, and college, a bunch of my classmates bully me. They call me names behind my back, they make fun of me so they could feel good about themselves, they call my home and swore at me. My parents didn’t know any of that happening, my teachers didn’t do anything about that.

BULLYING

THE CYCLES OF BULLYING

TYPES OF BULLY BEING REPORTED

So what are the signs of a traumatized child?

I just restrained some parts of my personality at home especially in front of my Aunt. I detached myself from the situation. I was too ashamed to tell my parents what was happening in school. So I ignored them instead.  I didn’t learn from my parents any way to cope with what I’m feeling and experiencing. I didn’t have proper coping, and defense mechanisms to handle a situation. That is why it’s very hard for me to let go of my dreams and people I couldn’t have in my life. They’re my only source of comfort and they assure me that my situation will get better, and I’m going to be happy.

Instead of handling it properly, if I’m not reading or writing, I’ve spent my time fantasizing and daydreaming for a life with my mom where my Aunt is not there yelling and controlling everything I do. My classmates won’t be there to bully me.

In college, things were different. My best friend and my other friends comforted me and defended me from those bullies. I have another friend who comforted me because of the way my Aunt treats me. Being in college, that’s where I started to learn how to handle things, how to defend myself, learn more about myself, and where I finally understood my personality. My strengths, my weaknesses, and my rights as a person.

When it hurts too much, I cried for my mom who was working out of the country, and I cried for my Dad I didn’t know. Eventually, I realized that no matter how I cried for them, they’re never going to materialized in front of me to comfort me.
Whenever I wanted something, my parents would always say no. So I stopped voicing out what I want and need. I grew up like that not voicing anything, and I also don’t know how to open up.

Back then, I was just so good in pretending everything is fine in front of everyone. Deep inside, I was depressed about my situation, and I was waiting for my mom to take me away from this hell hole and she didn’t. She never did. It was so sad and very disappointing. I was expecting her to save me, but she never came. She thought that if I go to US, I will end up pregnant as a teenager.

I know what I want, but since I was a little girl and when I’m high school, I didn’t pursue it because I was trying to please them, to make them happy. They got used to it, and they started to continue deciding for me. It’s too late before I realized that I wanted to become a writer and a broadway actor. My Aunt and Grandmother believes, their way is the best way.

The problem with them, I have another uncle who also have issues growing up. They made a mistake in how they raised him, and still they made the same mistake with me. My cousins, my Uncle and I don’t have the same personality, and the same circumstances, so don’t expect us to act react the same way.

According to James Lehman, MSW, child behavior therapist, “These are people who grow up willing to accept higher levels of abuse in their marriages and their friendships.  They become desensitized to disrespect and abuse. They become numb to how it really feels to be called a name. They tolerate higher levels of disrespect and abuse in other areas of their life once they become adults.  Their ability to be assertive also diminishes.

They learn not to assert themselves.  They learn how to avoid people and situations, and it can hamper their social skills.  In our world, a certain degree of assertiveness is necessary to communicate in a way that gets your needs met, and these kids don’t learn how to do that“.

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent and child.
I just want someone who will listen, make me feel loved, comforted and safe.

That’s why I want to desperately finish my book, The Guardian Program, where parents and children could have better, and close relationships at home and in school.

Is that too much to ask?

How can you trust someone when you’re afraid of them?

How can you think clearly, do the right thing, be smart, and if you’re standing where you are paralyzed?

Inquiry on Parenting Lessons, Experiences, and Insights

For future posts and my current book revision and editing, I came up with questions for first-time parents that I have some of the parents I know answer it, but I need more opinion from other parents.

I hope you could help me out.

Questions:
What parenting lessons do you wish you were taught in preparing for parenthood?

What are your techniques for teaching children in different ages?

What are your techniques for teaching and disciplining children to behave?

What kind of parenting do you use on your children? How did it affect them? What are you preventing in raising your children this way?

What kind of parental bringing were you exposed to? How did it affect you?

Do you apply those parenting methods base on the behavior of the child or base on the personality of the child?

Are you open to adoption? If yes, would you adopt babies or are you open to adopting older children?

How do you teach, control, and discipline teenagers in your household? How does it affect them? What are you preventing in applying these methods to the teenagers?

Do you think that nurture affects the child’s potential to be a normal and proper human being or to become adults with crimes?

Do you agree with the kind of parenting trends you see in our time now? If it’s up to you, what will you change in the parenting styles?

Should parents decide on a child’s dream because they are indebted to you or are you willing to just guide them into becoming a sensible and good person who makes the right decisions?

Do you think that every parenting method applies to every child?

Do you think that parents are always right?

What advice would you give a first-time parent?

Did you ever attend parenting classes? What did you learn from the class? Were they helpful, effective and accurate to what you’ve experience as a parent?

Please copy the questions and write the answers send it on my contact page to keep your personal details and answers private. To make this easy and more private this is the (Parenting Lessons, Reactions, Experiences, and Insights)survey version, but the questions are not complete. It’s a free account, so I only have ten questions.

I will also personally contact other parents I know.

Thank you so much for the help, support and cooperation. Hope you can share with other parents with children.

Have a great night and thank you again. 🙂