My family raised us with nannies for almost for twenty-two or so. They should have taught us how to be responsible when we are little, even we’re seven.
Just like the mom, in the movie, The Incredibles. They told their children never to use their powers. Then the day came, that they were all in danger, the mom suddenly expected Violet and Dash to just do it right.
According to a research, you can teach the children concepts as early as the age of three. For example, a child can learn the concept of responsibility by picking up their toys at a certain age. As they grew older, add something to that like putting dishes in the sink, then help in preparing food on the table, and washing dishes. As they reached puberty, they may be capable to do some of the household chores, just those that are safe and they can do. When they reach 18, they are already capable of taking care of themselves and handling the household chores.
My parents expected me to act as an adult just like that without teaching and preparing me for it and also because of their strict upbringing. I don’t know how to clean, cook, and information about sex. I learned them all on my own. I have several regrets in my life because I never got the chance to do them.
According to article, Trauma resets personality, by Nigel Barber Ph.D, research showed that
Fear of physical harm is one important source of psychological problems. Fear of social rejection is less obvious but potentially just as important. A great deal of evidence suggests that corporal punishment and scolding, make children turn out more aggressive and antisocial (3).
Interestingly, the effects of different kinds of unpleasant experiences on the brain are equivalent because they are mediated by the same stress hormones. Such effects involve an alteration in the brain anatomy and function (4,5). They include intellectual stunting; delinquency, poor impulse control; lack of work motivation; and precocious sexuality (3).
It is as though a stressful childhood primes people to focus on immediate gains to themselves regardless of the consequences (3).
In grade school, high school, and college, a bunch of my classmates bully me. They call me names behind my back, they make fun of me so they could feel good about themselves, they call my home and swore at me. My parents didn’t know any of that happening, my teachers didn’t do anything about that.
THE CYCLES OF BULLYING
TYPES OF BULLY BEING REPORTED
So what are the signs of a traumatized child?
I just restrained some parts of my personality at home especially in front of my Aunt. I detached myself from the situation. I was too ashamed to tell my parents what was happening in school. So I ignored them instead. I didn’t learn from my parents any way to cope with what I’m feeling and experiencing. I didn’t have proper coping, and defense mechanisms to handle a situation. That is why it’s very hard for me to let go of my dreams and people I couldn’t have in my life. They’re my only source of comfort and they assure me that my situation will get better, and I’m going to be happy.
Instead of handling it properly, if I’m not reading or writing, I’ve spent my time fantasizing and daydreaming for a life with my mom where my Aunt is not there yelling and controlling everything I do. My classmates won’t be there to bully me.
In college, things were different. My best friend and my other friends comforted me and defended me from those bullies. I have another friend who comforted me because of the way my Aunt treats me. Being in college, that’s where I started to learn how to handle things, how to defend myself, learn more about myself, and where I finally understood my personality. My strengths, my weaknesses, and my rights as a person.
When it hurts too much, I cried for my mom who was working out of the country, and I cried for my Dad I didn’t know. Eventually, I realized that no matter how I cried for them, they’re never going to materialized in front of me to comfort me.
Whenever I wanted something, my parents would always say no. So I stopped voicing out what I want and need. I grew up like that not voicing anything, and I also don’t know how to open up.
Back then, I was just so good in pretending everything is fine in front of everyone. Deep inside, I was depressed about my situation, and I was waiting for my mom to take me away from this hell hole and she didn’t. She never did. It was so sad and very disappointing. I was expecting her to save me, but she never came. She thought that if I go to US, I will end up pregnant as a teenager.
I know what I want, but since I was a little girl and when I’m high school, I didn’t pursue it because I was trying to please them, to make them happy. They got used to it, and they started to continue deciding for me. It’s too late before I realized that I wanted to become a writer and a broadway actor. My Aunt and Grandmother believes, their way is the best way.
The problem with them, I have another uncle who also have issues growing up. They made a mistake in how they raised him, and still they made the same mistake with me. My cousins, my Uncle and I don’t have the same personality, and the same circumstances, so don’t expect us to act react the same way.
According to James Lehman, MSW, child behavior therapist, “These are people who grow up willing to accept higher levels of abuse in their marriages and their friendships. They become desensitized to disrespect and abuse. They become numb to how it really feels to be called a name. They tolerate higher levels of disrespect and abuse in other areas of their life once they become adults. Their ability to be assertive also diminishes.
They learn not to assert themselves. They learn how to avoid people and situations, and it can hamper their social skills. In our world, a certain degree of assertiveness is necessary to communicate in a way that gets your needs met, and these kids don’t learn how to do that“.
There’s no such thing as a perfect parent and child.
I just want someone who will listen, make me feel loved, comforted and safe.
That’s why I want to desperately finish my book, The Guardian Program, where parents and children could have better, and close relationships at home and in school.
Is that too much to ask?
How can you trust someone when you’re afraid of them?
How can you think clearly, do the right thing, be smart, and if you’re standing where you are paralyzed?