Why is there a Mental Illness Stigma?

mental health collage

Mental Health is a dear topic to me. I was bullied for more than ten years of my life, and I told myself, I want to understand why people do what they do. It became more important to me back in 2009 when I felt physically and emotionally threatened by someone unexpected.

That experience shook me and traumatized me for a long time. Until I became angry and told myself that if I ever got hurt again, I will hurt them too and make sure they regret it. That is bad, and I realized I have a problem and I need help. I was still in college and decided to ask help from one of my professors and she passed it on to the guidance counselor. At that time, I was already deep in my studies of personalities and mental illnesses. I started reading about human behavior, mental health, mental illnesses at the ripe age of fourteen years old, but I didn’t understand them fully. Attending the sessions made me realize and appreciate how important and how helpful to have someone to talk to who does not judge you and instead empowers you and informs you of your options.

I’ve always known that the stigma on mental illness existed ever since I was young. I’ve read it on the papers, I’ve watched it on TV series and movies.

My guidance counselor who is a dear friend to me up to now, called one of my guardians and suggested psychological testing. When we got home, my guardian told me, you are not sick right cause we can’t afford it. I may not have the physical signs, but it doesn’t mean it should be overlooked.

My guardian was in denial and maybe so was I because I answered back, no, I wasn’t sick. I honestly don’t know what state of mind I was back then. But I started sessions with the guidance counselor until I graduated and a few sessions more until I found a job.

So why is there a Mental Illness Stigma?

Why is it that people stigmatizes mental illness and not physical illness. After all , they are both normal conditions that someone experiences from time to time and can recover from them. In Addition to that, Health is defined as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

Before we answer that question and before we try to produce a solution for that problem, let us first go back on where the Mental Illness Stigma started.

The Mental Illness Stigma started years ago. We are not even born yet. It is the time where people are misinformed about Mental Health and Mental Illness. At that time, once they found out that you have a mental illness, they sent you away to an isolated place or island to rot or worst. The mental patients were always treated differently and poorly. People were still in the dark back then.

Several years later, scientists were able to study mental illness and wrote the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Text Revision, Edition Four (DSM-IV-TR). Even though, our government, economy, technology, and science had grown, why is it that mental illness stigma still exists?

In my opinion there are so many reasons I could choose from:

First, it is a learned behavior. Research suggests that the majority of people hold negative attitudes and stereotypes towards people with mental illness. From a young age children will refer to others as “crazy” or “weird”; these terms are used commonly throughout adulthood as well. Often the negative stereotypes involve perceptions that people with mental illness are dangerous. (Psych Today)

No matter how great our improvements are compared to our ancestors, we learned to stigmatize and believe that people with mental illnesses are dangerous people, they are crazy, weird, and you can never recover from the illness. And when they have you committed, people also started to believe that mental illness makes you weak, not good enough, and they will take away your rights. This situation rarely happens, not all your rights are taken and it only does when you are a danger to yourself and the others.

Second, it is influenced by how the media portrays people with mental illness. Take a look at the picture below.

Basing it from the photo, I know that there are so many mass shootings that are caused by mentally ill people. But not all mentally ill people kill people.

According to Psych Today on Mental Illness Stigma, This perception is fueled by media stories that paint violent perpetrators as “mentally ill” without providing the context of the broad spectrum of mental illness. This bias is not limited to people who are either uninformed or disconnected from people with mental illness; in fact health care providers and even some mental health professionals hold these very same stereotypes.

The coverage on mental patients and some mental health professionals treating mental patients were immature several years ago, but fortunately they have matured and grown all these years when it comes to reporting news and treating mental illness. It’s a pretty delicate topic that should be handled with utmost care. No media has the right to add fuel to the fire of stigma. In fact, since people count media for news and information, the media should be the top accurate and reliable source of information. It shouldn’t be biased. The media and medically allied personnels have a responsibility to inform the unenlightened ones.

Third, we are in our modern times where people care more about what others think. What others think affects their,the people’s reputations. In our time, we put value more on how other people perceives us and we care more about losing those followers, those strangers. Which is also a learned behavior that we get from high school, and from what we watch. In those five hundred followers, we can bet that only 50 of them are your real life friends, and only three or five of them are close to you, the rest are superficial. We are more scared of others judging us and shaming us for having mental illness. Mental illness is like how people are acting when Leprosy doesn’t have a cure yet and just like in the Bible.

Due to our contribution to the mental illness stigma, we also fail to realize the negative effects of that stigma to people suffering from mental illness.

  • When we have a problem, we fail to recognize it and admit it. Majority of the people suffering from mental illness don’t believe mental illness is real. They think it’s just in their heads and that it will just go away on it’s own.
  • When we shame and judge people from being mentally ill, we scare them from coming forward in admitting they have a problem and that they need help. That’s the most crucial part they have to start the process before they recover.
  • They withdraw from family and friends because they believe they can do it on their own and they don’t want to be judged and shamed by their loved ones. Having mental illness is like having a war with yourself and other departments on your head. That’s where you need consistent and unwavering support and understanding from the people in your life.
  • Mass shootings and other incidents. If they have gotten treatments right away and free of shame and judgment from other people. Instead of just blaming them after they’ve done something, we could have prevented them if we knew right away that our friend or relative is mentally ill and is capable of hurting himself and other people, but we couldn’t. They show signs of mental illness, we ignore it and don’t do something. We just tell them get over it, then we just expect it will go away. Is that the only thing we’re good at blaming, sending thoughts and prayers, have pictures with the survivors, and then doing nothing?

So with that in mind, let’s establish that we are no longer primitive, we are evolved humans, with an evolved and improved government policies and administration, economy, and technology. It is definitely the time for us to start acting smart by facing the problem about mental illness stigma instead of cowering for fear of being judged, shamed, and abandoned.

Our minds and our hearts needs to catch up with all of our medical breakthroughs in life, we shouldn’t dumb ourselves down and just shut up in the corner to avoid judgments and losing followers. We need to stand up and be the guide of those people who are lost and with weak morals on mental illness, we need to move forward by studying what mental illness really is and give awareness to stop all those misconceptions.

So how do we remove the mental illness stigma?

We remove it through mental illness education. So below are some of the basic information you need to know.

stock-vector-mental-health-heart-word-cloud-fitness-sport-health-concept-413255764

Mental Health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood.

Mental_Illness_Word_Cloud

Mental Illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. Examples of mental illness include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders and addictive behaviors.

Many people have mental health concerns from time to time. But a mental health concern becomes a mental illness when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function.

A mental illness can make you miserable and can cause problems in your daily life, such as at school or work or in relationships. In most cases, symptoms can be managed with a combination of medications and talk therapy (psychotherapy).

0c1b15f09e33c649db987b7cec4f5947

Mental Wellness According to World Health Organization, mental health is a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.

So what else can you do to remove the stigma on mental illness?

I invite you to help me by educating the misinformed on our networking sites on Twitter and Instagram every Saturday by sharing relate-able quotes, information, and news about mental illness using the hashtag #removingmentalillnessStigma. I invite especially those influential people whose got a voice, who’s got more reach and who’s influence can make a difference for the good of the many. Let’s help each other out, let’s help the people suffering from mental illness, let’s lift up and improve th mental health perception of the people starting on March 24, 2018 at Pacific Time 08:00 AM until the day ends. It doesn’t have to be the whole day, you can participate on your free time.

Coping Too Much

This week is my Uncle’s birthday. If you’ve read my other posts, I’ve already mentioned him in my other post.

Like I said in the previous post, his story is that he got jailed for something, and he felt abandoned by his parents (my grandparents) and also, he feels neglected when he was young (I was born at that time) because according to other relatives they explained that all the attention was given to me. I understand why he hates me so much.

He compensated for all the shortcomings in his life by fighting for his right and what he believes in. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? It’s a *coping mechanism, it’s normal. One of the things I’ve noticed while growing up is that my grandmother don’t reprimand him that much when he makes mistakes because she’s guilty of something, but my grandfather does. That’s why they never got along up until the time that he died.

According to the article, Malignant Narcissists have a very fragile and reactive sense of self. They are extremely self-involved and have a highly inflated view of themselves, which masks profound vulnerability and shame. They are fueled by praise and admiration and deeply injured by criticism and even honest feedback. Benign comments or constructive criticism threaten their fragile self-esteem and can trigger anger. All of these qualities interfere with a narcissists’ ability to form healthy relationships. Those partnered with narcissists can feel quite lonely and exhausted by trying to shore up their partners and tiptoe around their sensitivities.

My uncle will never change for the better because he’s personality is set on stone. I’ve watched him while growing up and he portrays the definition above perfectly. In fact, I’m afraid every time my grandmother and him is fighting. He might hit her or do something to her. Besides he’s hurt himself and other people around him. He has a dog, but he’s lack of empathy on other living things just gets to me, and he never understands what he’s done wrong when any of us gets mad at him.

There was once a cat who got stranded in front of my door. He got stuck beside this old metallic cargo package. I don’t even understand how the cat got there, but I do remember that he kicked the package hard to the corner of the wall and left while the cat was beside it. I just went up to check the commotion because the dogs are acting crazy. The cat wasn’t hurt, Thank God, but I was surprised to find that there was a cat. It’s body was hanging upside down and his head was close to the ground. He was stuck like that. I had to remove all the things inside the package to move the package so the cat could leave.

When my grandmother got admitted in the hospital, he didn’t feel empathy or sadness about it. Instead, when we got home, he cried for our dog who died. My relatives and I were all scared and devastated that my grandmother might get worse. We were so scared to lose her, but to him. It was nothing to him.

With the way that he acts, I don’t believe what some literature said that people who love animals can never hurt a person or other animals.

During the weekend, Sunday, my grandmother told me to bake a cake for his birthday. On Tuesday, they had a fight, he was rude and disrespectful to her. So Wednesday came, his birthday, she told me not to bake the cake. I pity my Uncle, but when he starts talking, I just end up hating him, because he doesn’t get what’s wrong with what he’s doing. I’m very confused on how I’m going to treat him. I feel bad for him, but he’s never going to change. The way my parents and other relatives treat him will not change him or even cure him. He ended up that way because of his upbringing. I pity him, so that day, I still ended up greeting him on his birthday because it doesn’t feel right to ignore his birthday. Ignoring his birthday won’t make things right or make him realize that he did something wrong. It will just make things worse.

My parents and relatives are so good being in denial. They think everything is alright and that there’s nothing wrong with my Uncle. They think he’s normal, so when he did something wrong, they believe that getting mad at him will set him right. They’re just scaring him, so he’ll follow what they want and behave. In the long run, it just contributes to how he is now. They committed several mistakes in raising him, and now we’re all facing the consequences, and they don’t know how to fix what they’ve done to him.

Today is Thursday, and some of my grandmother’s money went missing. I will admit that I’ve stolen money from her before, but I’m trying to change, I’m trying to get a new life. I’m trying to amend my sins, I wish I could undo what I did, I’ve asked for their forgiveness, I’ve confessed twice, baptized again last April. I’m doing my best to become a better person, and to gain their trust again. The point is I regret it, and I’m so sorry, very sorry. So today, since the only people around my grandmother is me and him, we were the prime suspects. I’m not angry because I understand where they’re coming from and why they’re angry. It just hurts. This other aspect of me, I’ll reserve it to another post.

My other Aunt got mad at us and said a lot of hurtful things. I’m hurt, but I’m not angry, and I’m used to her personality. That’s normal for her, and she knows how bad her personality is. I’m so afraid because he’s so angry and told me and my grandmother that if my other Aunt say more bad things to him, he’ll kill her. I’m he just said that out of anger, but I know that some people tends to lose it when they are angry.

My Uncle compensated for all the shortcomings in his life. He became selfish. He doesn’t think of other people’s welfare, and even his family. He only thinks of his. He coped successfully, but it didn’t really made him a better person, he got worse.

If he’s not a malignant narcissist, what do you call him?

What are the other ways to describe him?

Well, when you correct him or criticize him, he acts defensively, automatically. He raises his voice. He blows things out of proportion. He makes everything a big deal. He’s also very good in playing the victim, so he could rationalize and validate his actions today. You can never argue with him or even correct him because his mind works differently. He’s always right, and everyone around us are wrong to him. I did mention he hurt someone else before. He seems to be unstable to me.

Despite everything, he’s family, he’s my uncle. We will never abandon him. Deep inside, I still want him to become a better person. But how?

Everybody should have coping mechanisms to overcome the bad experiences and situations in their life, but they should balance it, and not overdo it.

*Thusly marked words are defined on this LINK.

Relationship Analysis: Gone Girl

S P O I L E R  A L E R T

getdvdcovers_gone-girl-custom-cover-pips

“When I think of my wife.

I always think of her head.

I picture cracking her lovely skull and spoil her brains

trying to get answers.

The primal questions of every marriage.

What are you thinking?

How are you feeling?

What have we done to each other?”

Those are the lines that started the movie. Honestly, I started, WTH did he do?

Gone Girl is a 2014 American psychological thriller film directed by David Fincher and adapted by Gillian Flynn from her 2012 novel of the same name. It stars Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike. Set in the Midwestern United States, the film’s story begins as a mystery which follows the events surrounding Nick Dunne (Affleck), who becomes the primary suspect in the sudden disappearance of his wife, Amy (Pike).

How did the characters meet? 

Nick and Amy met at a party. To Amy, she seemed to have figured Nick out right away, but she let him pick her up anyway. I have to admit, I was captivated by their conversation. The scriptwriter did a great job and the actors portrayed the scene well.

How are the characters in the movie are attracted to each other?

Nick approached Amy and made a move on her right away. It was downright explosive flirting and *sexual chemistry. The book is somewhat different from the movie, so I’ll say here that in the book, Nick opened up right away about his life in Missouri. Amy loved the attention and she enjoyed it.

Is it *true love or *lust at first sight?

Well, they were both drawn to each other, the moment they laid eyes on each other. They made each other laugh, and they somehow got each other when they first met. It was not love at first sight  it’s definitely the other.

What is the man’s *lovemap? Is it healthy or not?

Nick is a laid back interesting guy born from Missouri. His lovemap is not healthy because he married the wrong woman. He married a woman who was born entitled and privilege. He is close to his family.

Ben Affleck for me was able to give justice to the role due to his experiences in marriage, unfortunately. He played the cocky man, Amy just met, and he played well the laid back odd man who didn’t look grief stricken when Amy went missing.

What is the woman’s lovemap? It is healthy or not?

As I mentioned before, Amy was born entitled and privileged to parents with very high expectations. Her parents wrote a book and based it on her, but the character turned out differently in the book. Despite the differences, the media acknowledges Amy.

For example, when Amy gave up playing Cello, Amy in the children’s book became a prodigy. That is just one example.

Can a person influence or create their son’s/ daughter’s an unhealthy lovemap? Yes, definitely, with the right circumstances. Amy’s parents did a great job raising her to become a narcissist and a psychopath. In fact, it’s one of the reasons, why Rosamund Pike was able to play the role effectively. She read the book quickly and studied the character. Fortunately, she is also an only daughter.

Raising Amy the way her parents did, was a good set up.

Amy married the wrong guy. At first, I thought she was trying to be a better person than her parents, but in the end, she turned out to be the worse.

Does the relationship contribute to the growth of each person in the relationship?

Here’s what I can say, at first, they were both optimistic, understanding, and so in love that they won’t become like the other couples.

But just like Amy narrated, test your marriage by adding the recession, minus their two jobs, and moving to Missouri equals to the disintegration of their marriage. They didn’t help each other grow, they brought out the worst in each other. Their marriage flew out the window, once they are done on the honeymoon stage.

Do the personalities balance each other, complete each other, or makes them a good team?

It’s a yes because Amy and Nick are the abusers and they also let themselves be the victim of their marriage.

No, because they’ve come from different worlds. When they got married, they were just full of optimism. Optimism don’t make relationships work and last longer, it’s just a temporary band-aid to their simple problems. That is why they’ve grown apart and had a hard time understanding each other because of their differences and the decisions Nick made for Amy.

Are they capable of maintaining a long-lasting relationship?

I certainly bet that they won’t be able to do it. A marriage full of lies, deception, and abuse. I feel so bad for their unborn child. This kind of marriage might last since they enjoy their roles of being the abusers and victims of each other.

What needs to be improved to make the relationship work and last longer?

This is such a hard question to answer considering what happened. So I am going to let the ending be, and say they need to learn to forgive each other, get to know each other again, and work hard on their marriage.

Nick needs to stop being lazy, stop drinking, find a proper job for the future of their child, stop treating his wife like a doormat, stop using her just for sex, and stop cheating on her.

Amy needs to find a proper job, stop acting like a doormat, and speak her opinions.

There are people or characters like Nick and Amy in real life, but how the story ended didn’t make sense, It wasn’t right, it wasn’t practical, and it wasn’t realistic. Gillian Flynn defended the ending of her book, and it’s clear that when she wrote the book, she wasn’t aiming for a happy ending acceptable to the society. She just ended the book the way she wants it.

I like Amy’s character, but it wasn’t my first time encountering a character like her, and a story as disturbing as theirs. I like Amy, but I’ll get tired of her character eventually. Another but is I’ll continue loving other characters like her, and books that have preferable endings. They are not happy endings, just acceptable ones.

Below are some of the popular quotes in the movie and last is the trailer. If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing quite a shocking story.

gone-girl

qc-gonegirl-slide1-01a-949x5342

53644f456513502cb1c1033c8853a64e

ae377ae88c4e3375b2209bb1264581d3 gone-girl-quotes-movie1

*Thusly marked words are defined on this LINK.

Relationship Analysis: Stockholm, Pennsylvania

stockholm* S P O I L E R  A L E R T * Read at your own risk.

*Stockholm, Pennsylvania, is about a girl, Lea, who was kidnaped when she was 4 years old and she struggled to feel at home when they rescued her after 17 years.

knlbfw515x4u

The psychologist encouraged Lea to express herself and her concern is for Lea to feel supportive and express what she what she want and whatever she feels.

52699a7874b913c6435d365c353fd170Ben, Lea’s kidnapper, is the only Father figure she knows. He also locked her up in a room and just brings her food, water, clothes, and toys. When Lea visited him in jail. She asked him, did you know you were changing things about me like my name and my birthday. He told her, all I know is I was giving you new things. You can’t change what you don’t know.

stockholm-pennsylvania-lifetime-movieHer mom has a few good points in the movie, but in the end she started treating Lea like Ben.

Good points:

  • Never giving up on searching for Lea.
  • Trying to understand her daughter by reading and knowing the consequences of her daughter being kidnapped.
  • Trying to bond with her and trying techniques to make Lea understand and learn to trust people.

Bad points:

  • She lost it when her daughter went missing and visited her kidnapper. She got mad and hit her.
  • She lost control, her patience, and her insanity.
  • She threw out her husband.

  • She locked herself up in their house and she locked Lea up in her room.

  • She made Lea stopped seeing her psychologist.

  • She also did not let the tutor come into their house.

  • She made a schedule for Lea and she only brings food and water to her room.

  • When the psychologist visited their place, her mom was forced to agree that she will let her daughter visit the Psychologist on her session. In the end, her mom taught her what answers to say to the psychologist.

  • After behaving, she let Lea into the kitchen, but she tied her up to her or to the furniture around her.

  • Is this how people love? Lea asked her mom, but she didn’t answer.

    Lea’s *lovemap was messed up by Ben. He replaced Lea’s bond with her mom, with his interaction with her for seventeen years. He became a father figure in Lea’s eyes. After she was rescued, she misses him and wants to be with him.

    When she met her parents, she doesn’t recognize them and remember them or even her memories in their house when she was young.

    More importantly, the way Lea views love is twisted because of how Ben treated her all these years. She also grew up practicing the same beliefs, Ben has.
    The sad part is out of desperation, her mom ended up treating Lea, the way Ben did, so instead of correcting the way Lea views love, she contributed to it.

    The worst part is she taught Lea the opposite of what her Psychologist taught her and also made her feel the opposite too. She didn’t let Lea express herself, and didn’t make Lea feel supportive during the ordeal. I won’t say, Lea’s situation, became worst, her mom just became her another abuser.

    Interested? Watch the movie for more information.

    *Thusly marked words are defined on this LINK.

    What Keeps A Person Sane

    A/N: I wrote this post back in 2008, but that blog is not active anymore. This was the first post I’ve written where I did a lot of researching, studying, and relating my real life experience. I made this post when I was very stressed and it’s also because of this post that I told myself, I wanted to help people with my writing.

    The person who created Sims is so brilliant. I’ve been playing Sims for years now, and I just understood the significance of sanity in the game and in real life. It is the same thing. A person has lots of wants and needs, but he can’t get all they want. In the game, if the Sim didn’t fulfill some of his wants and needs, he’ll end up in the mental institution. It’s the same thing in real life. Now I wanted to share information about what keeps a person sane, how you would know if a person is insane, how to detect if someone is becoming insane because a lot of people take these things for granted.

    So what keeps a person sane? First, let’s keep it simple. Wants and Needs keep a person sane. But right now, I’ll focus on the most important thing a person needs. Like how really important it is for a person to have his needs fulfilled.

    sims 1 600full-the-sims-2-cover sims 3

    the-sims-4-walkthrough

    Alright, now those are the needs that should be fulfilled in a person’s life at the right time.

    The deficiency needs should be accomplished first before the growth needs. Because by meeting those needs, it reduces psychological tension and restore our equilibrium (homeostasis), but the tension experienced in growth needs seems to add to the zest of life. In English, it means it reduces the risk of the person of having psychological problems in the future. (Colliers Encyclopedia, Humanistic Theories of Personality 19-469)

    The growth needs are also important. Why? It is the criterion for Mental Health. It is very important to fulfill the needs of a person, especially when he is still young. Why? Before establishing adult identity, childhood conflicts will come back. It is a second attempt to master conflicts over childhood drives. If this is not resolved, the child remains vulnerable to psychopathology. So for example, if some deficiency and growth needs are not fulfilled in a person’s life. Then you are screwed. It is either you are living your life mentally ill for years. It will take a matter of time until he snaps or finally loses control. Depending on the needs that he lacks, it’s just two things. He’ll either hurt someone or himself.

    Here are some things that could help monitor if a parent has raised his child right. So we can tell that this person will grow mentally and psychologically well.

    Erik Erikson 8 stages of development 

    • Trust vs. Mistrust – learns to love & be loved.
    • Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt – learns independence
    • Initiative vs. Guilt – learns basic problem-solving
    • Industry vs. Inferiority – learns how to do things well

    • Identity vs. Role confusion – learns who he/she is and adjusts to body image

    • Intimacy vs. Isolation

    • Generativity vs. Stagnation

    • Integrity vs. Despair

    11eriksonstages

    400px-Eriksons_stages_of_development

    Sources of maladaptive mechanism according to Erik Erikson’s 8 stages of development

    – Unreliable provision of basic needs of caregiver.

    – Overcontrolling, neglecting/ rejecting parents or caregiver.

    – Failure to develop trust and self-esteem

    – Poor self-esteem

    – Peer pressure, divorce, lack of empathy, inconsistencies

    – Lack of validation from early caregivers

    – Divorce, Emptiness syndrome, Menopause, and retirement

    – Death

    Now if anyone of you has experienced anything from the maladaptive mechanisms, then you are at risk for mental and psychological disorders. Because you are vulnerable to being sick doesn’t mean you can’t do something about it. Since a child rarely speaks and I am sure you won’t hear a child saying “I have a problem. I am experiencing this and that and its affecting me too much. I encourage parents to give time to listen to their child has to say. If you can’t do that then you can’t assure him anything. Even if you try to assure him, your child won’t believe you because he doesn’t trust you. There are children who speak about their problems, but they get ignored and misunderstood. Parents now don’t understand what the importance of some things in their child’s life no matter how small it is. Because they are the adults, their way is always the best one.

    The way a child is raised can also affect how he is going to develop in the future. The importance of infantile experience for certain personal characteristics has been confirmed by studying the child rearing methods of various primitive cultures. Typical adult personalities are aggressive and acquisitive; infants are submitted to considerate nursing frustration and given little affection and attention. Where the typical adult personalities are friendly and properties are willingly shared, infants are nursed when they wish and as long as they wish and are given ample evidence of continuous affection. (Colliers Encyclopedia, Basic Principles of Psychoanalysis 19-453)

    To a grown-up, if he is experiencing any of the maladaptive mechanisms or let’s say there are problems that affects them so much, that is where interpersonal relationship comes in, friends, parents, and spouses that’s what they do in a person’s life. They help them get through those hardships in life. They give them complete assurance, comfort and hold them at their weakest. So a person shouldn’t go through problems or hardships in life alone, no matter how petty or pathetic it is they always need someone. An independent person can solve his problems alone, but what if that person becomes vulnerable. Do you really think, he will still have a clear, level head to make the right decisions? If he didn’t make the right decisions things in their life will fall apart.

    A person who loses it does different things. They could regress to childhood behavior. An example of that is a person who has outgrown his favorite toy and starts to play it again because when his young, playing that toy makes him happy. Some people cry in a fetal position. The fetal position itself indicates that his vulnerable and he needs to be nurtured, to be held by anyone who can provide him comfort and assurance

    You know in the past, I got tired of men hating whiny talkative women because they don’t understand why women do that. Women do that to cope with frustrations. They tell their girlfriends a story or a problem that had arisen at home, in school, or in the workplace. Then they tell them how it is affecting them and how much they hate something or they show you how mad or angry they are. Before I could almost hate my best friend because I thought, she is projecting her anger on me. Which she is but she is not doing it intentionally. It is her defense mechanism, which is called displacement to be able to cope with her frustration.

    *Defense mechanisms are thought to safeguard the mind against feelings and thoughts that are too difficult for the conscious mind to cope with. In some instances, defense mechanisms are thought to keep inappropriate or unwanted thoughts and impulses from entering the conscious mind. (What Is a Defense Mechanism? By Kendra Van Wagner, About.com)

    There are a lot of defense mechanisms that could explain a person’s behavior. Everyone can be mentally ill in a moment of their life once they’ve used defense mechanisms in their everyday life. Actually defense mechanisms are normal, but once you use them too often, they become unhealthy for the person using it.

    Some of the *defense mechanisms are *denial, *projection, *introjection, *rationalization, *intellectualization, *repression, *regression, *displacement, *resistance, *withdrawal, and *fantasy.

    Remember, excessive imagination may lead to a delusion of grandeur. So be careful not to fantasize a lot. It will hurt you. Remember that person who uses introjection as a defense mechanism has suicidal tendencies due to depression.

    That is why it is important for a person to have someone who will care for him no matter what. One person could provide everything. I really believe in that. But it’s nicer if a child’s parent would provide him all of that. So he will grow up the right way and with a right mind.

    *Thusly marked words are defined on this LINK.

    Bullying is a form of Psychological Abuse

    PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

    hqdefault

    Examples-and-Effects-of-Psychological-Abuse-550x550

    psychological abuse 1

    emotional abuse 1

    psychological abuse 2

    emotional and psychological signs of abuse

    f0143-01

    My family raised us with nannies for almost for twenty-two or so. They should have taught us how to be responsible when we are little, even we’re seven.

    Just like the mom, in the movie, The Incredibles. They told their children never to use their powers. Then the day came, that they were all in danger, the mom suddenly expected Violet and Dash to just do it right.

    According to a research, you can teach the children concepts as early as the age of three. For example, a child can learn the concept of responsibility by picking up their toys at a certain age. As they grew older, add something to that like putting dishes in the sink, then help in preparing food on the table, and washing dishes. As they reached puberty, they may be capable to do some of the household chores, just those that are safe and they can do. When they reach 18, they are already capable of taking care of themselves and handling the household chores.

    My parents expected me to act as an adult just like that without teaching and preparing me for it and also because of their strict upbringing. I don’t know how to clean, cook, and information about sex. I learned them all on my own. I have several regrets in my life because I never got the chance to do them.

    At home, my Aunt’s personality terrorized and traumatized me.

    screen-shot-2012-04-09-at-7-56-57-pm3

    According to article, Trauma resets personality, by Nigel Barber Ph.D, research showed that

    Fear of physical harm is one important source of psychological problems. Fear of social rejection is less obvious but potentially just as important. A great deal of evidence suggests that corporal punishment  and scolding, make children turn out more aggressive and antisocial (3).

    Interestingly, the effects of different kinds of unpleasant experiences on the brain are equivalent because they are mediated by the same stress hormones. Such effects involve an alteration in the brain anatomy and function (4,5). They include intellectual stunting; delinquency, poor impulse control; lack of work motivation; and precocious sexuality (3).

    It is as though a stressful childhood primes people to focus on immediate gains to themselves regardless of the consequences (3).

    In grade school, high school, and college, a bunch of my classmates bully me. They call me names behind my back, they make fun of me so they could feel good about themselves, they call my home and swore at me. My parents didn’t know any of that happening, my teachers didn’t do anything about that.

    BULLYING

    bullying cloud

    THE CYCLES OF BULLYING

    cycle_of_bullying

    TYPES OF BULLY BEING REPORTED

    types_bullying_graph

    it isn't big to make others feel small

    Anti-Bullying slogan

    So what are the signs of a traumatized child?

    traumatized child

    I just restrained some parts of my personality at home especially in front of my Aunt. I detached myself from the situation. I was too ashamed to tell my parents what was happening in school. So I ignored them instead.  I didn’t learn from my parents any way to cope with what I’m feeling and experiencing. I didn’t have proper coping, and defense mechanisms to handle a situation. That is why it’s very hard for me to let go of my dreams and people I couldn’t have in my life. They’re my only source of comfort and they assure me that my situation will get better, and I’m going to be happy.

    Instead of handling it properly, if I’m not reading or writing, I’ve spent my time fantasizing and daydreaming for a life with my mom where my Aunt is not there yelling and controlling everything I do. My classmates won’t be there to bully me.

    In college, things were different. My best friend and my other friends comforted me and defended me from those bullies. I have another friend who comforted me because of the way my Aunt treats me. Being in college, that’s where I started to learn how to handle things, how to defend myself, learn more about myself, and where I finally understood my personality. My strengths, my weaknesses, and my rights as a person.

    emotionalabuse

    When it hurts too much, I cried for my mom who was working out of the country, and I cried for my Dad I didn’t know. Eventually, I realized that no matter how I cried for them, they’re never going to materialized in front of me to comfort me.
    Whenever I wanted something, my parents would always say no. So I stopped voicing out what I want and need. I grew up like that not voicing anything, and I also don’t know how to open up.

    Back then, I was just so good in pretending everything is fine in front of everyone. Deep inside, I was depressed about my situation, and I was waiting for my mom to take me away from this hell hole and she didn’t. She never did. It was so sad and very disappointing. I was expecting her to save me, but she never came. She thought that if I go to US, I will end up pregnant as a teenager.

    I know what I want, but since I was a little girl and when I’m high school, I didn’t pursue it because I was trying to please them, to make them happy. They got used to it, and they started to continue deciding for me. It’s too late before I realized that I wanted to become a writer and a broadway actor. My Aunt and Grandmother believes, their way is the best way.

    The problem with them, I have another uncle who also have issues growing up. They made a mistake in how they raised him, and still they made the same mistake with me. My cousins, my Uncle and I don’t have the same personality, and the same circumstances, so don’t expect us to act react the same way.

    bc6bfd943f17053ac241b1177ed15c6a

    f90cef9279a7dc77ba13a85f8de7fe6c

    wordscanhurt

    According to James Lehman, MSW, child behavior therapist, “These are people who grow up willing to accept higher levels of abuse in their marriages and their friendships.  They become desensitized to disrespect and abuse. They become numb to how it really feels to be called a name. They tolerate higher levels of disrespect and abuse in other areas of their life once they become adults.  Their ability to be assertive also diminishes.

    They learn not to assert themselves.  They learn how to avoid people and situations, and it can hamper their social skills.  In our world, a certain degree of assertiveness is necessary to communicate in a way that gets your needs met, and these kids don’t learn how to do that“.

    There’s no such thing as a perfect parent and child.
    I just want someone who will listen, make me feel loved, comforted and safe.

    That’s why I want to desperately finish my book, The Guardian Program, where parents and children could have better, and close relationships at home and in school.

    Is that too much to ask?

    How can you trust someone when you’re afraid of them?

    How can you think clearly, do the right thing, be smart, and if you’re standing where you are paralyzed?

    A girl stands behind a fountain

    249889c2d2253cbd4f747a20838d653d

    1659782

    1e41eda3e3d1bcde1786b2b99780e254

    emotional-abuse-quotes

    stopbullying

    no bully zone

    Abuse and Sexual Assault

    April is the National Child Abuse Prevention Month and also the Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I know this post is late, but I want to give my two cents

    I’ve always been passionate about the topic Abuse ever since we reported it in class back in 2006 on our Ethics class. I saved all the information, outline and PowerPoint to this day, thinking that it might help me someday to do something about the victims and people who might still be in an abusive relationship.

    Even if the matter focuses on children, I will, however, focus on adults as well.

    So what is abuse?

    tia_logo

    Abuse is about power and control, the betrayal of trust, and lack of respect. It’s about using force or threats to make you afraid. It’s about using fear to control. It’s about a Man’s effort to exert control in a relationship. It’s also a way to break someone’s confidence and self-esteem.

    In our time now, I know that the majority of the people are aware, but there are those who still aren’t aware. They don’t know that their actions toward someone is an abuse itself, because of them “abuse” is merely physically hitting someone.

    I, myself, had received verbal and emotional abuse for more than a decade of my life and I only realized it in 2006. At some point, I was aware because I was traumatized by this relative and I exhibited the symptoms of trauma, especially when I was with this person even now. It was unfortunate, I’ve only taken an action in 2009.

    I wouldn’t say that my case is already resolved and I’m okay. It still bothers me to this day, although that relative had changed because of what I did in 2009, she tries to control her anger with me, but somehow she still hasn’t changed completely, her words put me down, she underestimates me, and I can’t be myself around her. Somehow she hadn’t realized that her personality traumatized and terrorized me since I was a little girl and most of the time, she will only get mad and shout at me when she had enough and when my grandfather would stop her.

    My family had turned a blind eye on what happen, especially when a counsellor contacted one my Aunts and told her about my concerns. My relative’s personality continues to traumatize me, that person didn’t do anything to reverse what I felt. I’m still afraid of her, I don’t trust her that much, my fear of her paralyses me and makes me act stupid or dumb in front of her, I still walk on eggshells whenever she’s there and the worst part is I can’t be myself when she’s around. My family, including her thinks it’s tough love and it’s the right way to discipline. She told me herself that she had no regrets in raising us the way they did.

    The worst part is when it comes to my dream of becoming a writer, she is instead forcing me to do something else. My whole family were belittling my dream as a writer. They are putting me down and they have complete disregard when it comes to my dream. Is it so wrong of me to share this? I was eleven years old when I realized I love to write.

    Since I grasped that my family is trying to control me, as my counsellor had advised years ago, I’m asserting myself. I’m doing what I love to do, I refuse to conform to her rules, and I refuse to compromise my personality and individuality to please her or anyone at all. It’s my way of showing them, they can’t control me. Nobody can control me. What they didn’t know is, the more they force their way of life and their will on me, the more they make me angry and desperate to make my dreams come true, and the more I want to rebel against them. The day I will give up on writing is the day I will cease living, but I would never let that happen.

    When my Grandfather died, I promised him I would protect myself from everyone around me. He is the only person who made me feel loved, safe, and protected. My Grandfather was a retired military officer. He raised my Aunts and Uncles the military way. He may be strict, but he knows how to show me love and he also became a soft person when I was born. My Aunt only knew how to be mean, strict and cold toward us. She loves being right and because she’s right and she’s got good credentials, she’s not going to listen to people who are below her. She told me that too.

    With what I’ve experienced, I want to emphasize other forms of abuse and the consequences. Consequences that could last a lifetime unless the person receives counselling sessions or talks to someone that will make them realize they are in an abusive relationship and they don’t deserve how they are being treated by a friend, partner, spouse, colleague or family member.

    Aside from this, I was bullied in grade school, high school, and college. It stopped because I learned how to defend myself and I have friends and teachers who supported me.

    Cycles of Abuse

    cycle_of_abuse

    Relationship of Abuser

    fig04

    Forms of Abuse

    signs_and_types_of_abuse

    • Sexual assault: threatening to harm your reputation; putting you down or comparing you sexually to others; getting back at you for refusing to have sex, sleeping around; or treating you as a sex object; forcing you to look at pornography; hounding you for sex or forcing certain positions; forcing you to have sex (rape).

    Child-Abuse PA_POLITICS-Abuse-190836_7300172

    • Verbal: verbally threatening you (telling you to stop crying… or else); calling you names (stupid, slut, crazy, bitch…); yelling, shouting; abusing your children; being sarcastic or critical; always blaming you for things that go wrong; insulting you/your family; laughing in your face; verbal.

    verbal-abuse

    Verbal-Abuse-Poster-in-print-532x710     Child_Abuse_Awareness_Ad_by_WoahStripes

    • Financial/economic: controlling you by not paying the bills; refusing to give you money for groceries, clothing, things you need; spending all the money on things he wants (alcohol, trips, cars, sports); forbidding you to work outside the home; taking your money or your paycheck; not letting you take part in financial decisions.
    • Emotional/psychological: making you afraid; playing ‘mind games’; not telling you what he is doing; lying; ignoring you; being silent; walking away from you in discussion (unless both of you have agreed to taking a ‘time-out’ period when arguments become heated); refusing to deal with issues; putting you down; finding fault in your behavior; brainwashing; refusing to do things with you or for you; always getting his own way; criticizing how you look or act.

    f0143-01 9b98a071f8945f039563545966df89c0

    c4c879760ac0fce0e17e46dc307e5e20

    • Social: putting you down; ignoring you; making a scene in public; embarrassing you in front of your children; not letting you see your friends or being rude to your friends; being nice to others but changing his personality when with you; not taking responsibility for the children; turning your children against you; choosing friends or family over you; comparing you unfavourably with other women; not allowing you to express your emotions (denying your feelings); taking your passport or threatening to have you deported.
    • Spiritual Abuse: May include preventing a woman from participating in spiritual or religious practices, ridiculing her beliefs, or using spiritual beliefs to justify controlling her.

    Consequences of Abuse

    images

    A person who experienced any form of abuse

    • Lives in constant fear, worry, guilt, and self-blame.
    • They may feel worthless and helpless or ashamed and may feel like a failure
    • Effects of emotional abuse/ psychological abuse can’t be seen, but it can be just as harmful and last much longer than injuries
    • Anyone experiencing abuse of any kind may feel that no one could ever love them.
    • They will feel stupid, ugly and all alone.
    • Being abused may undermine virtually every aspect of their life, their physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental health, their ability to work, their relationships with family members and friends, their self-efficacy and fundamental sense of self-worth.
    • The effects of physical abuse can be black eyes, broken bones, bruises, burns, concussions, cuts, scratches even death.

    Child-abuse

    • The psychological effects include low self-esteem, self-degradation, self-abuse, difficulty with relationships.
    • Acute anxiety, frequent crying, unusual or pronounced fear responses, uncontrolled or rapid anger responses, chronic stress, phobias, flashback, sleep disturbances, nightmares, lack of appropriate boundaries, arrested development, passivity, memory loss, loss of concentration and productivity.

    I had experienced majority of these things and I did my best to move on and stand up on my own. Most of the time, my writing and some of my friends helped me overcome those days where I felt down about myself, my dreams and I deserved how I was treated.

    Even with those experiences, I’m aware that I have a strong personality and a strong will, and that helped me too. At the same time, I used what I learned in helping other people like me. However, my parents took my actions of asserting myself as a way of rebellion because I used to be the push-over kid who followed everything they say.

    To anyone who is experiencing things I’ve mentioned above, please get a professional help or talk to a friend. And if you know anyone who is suffering from these experiences, talk to them and help them.

    Stop-Abuse

    55a849f9b3174be39e2a0d13a6c9e44b

    These experiences are not something anyone can joke about. It will affect someone’s life for a long time and nobody could reverse the effects of abuse and sexual assault overnight, or for a year or so. It takes a long time and it takes a lot of work and understanding.

    abuse-1

    I may sound okay, but there are still days where I have to work on my own issues, cheer myself up and tell myself that everything is going to be alright. When I was a little girl, I loved the idea of being able to read someone’s mind, as I grew up I realized that the closest way for me to read someone is to learn about people, behavior, and their motivations. Due to my experiences I became a strong person and more careful in letting people in. I constantly read people’s personality around me and their actions to know if these people are someone I could trust or not.

    There are different ways to know if you are in an abusive relationship. Complete the checklist below, and get a professional help or help from other friends, and family.

    9561dbf8880030904bc3f8259c6aaeb3

    7cff9f7e0ee904259abb65244da21158

    checklist

    To take this test, click here.

    Teachers, parents, and experts need to teach the concept of Abuse in School because according to research from the Journal of Religion and Health, Vol. 33, No. 1, Spring 1994, surveyed 644 high school students (351 males and 293 females). Of these respondents, 12.1% reported that they had an abuser or a victim of abuse in a dating relationship. The onset of violence in these relationships occured on the average when the students were 15.3 years of age.

    Based on the victims’ reports, the violence entailed being pushed, grabbed or shoved (62.8%), slapped (50%), kicked, bitten, hit with fists (28.2%), being the target of a thrown object (15.4%), hit with an object (14.1%), beaten (3.8%), threatened with a knife (1.3%), or stabbed or shot (1.3%).

    Yes, the result is old, so try to imagine or speculate what are the numbers now. We all know that even if there are several groups campaigning anti-abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault awareness, abuse is still prevalent everywhere.

    If I could wish for anything, I wish that nobody will experience any form of abuse and sexual assault in any relationship and that everyone instead will have a close and loving relationship with everyone around them.

    While I was looking for images to include in this post, it was so hard seeing other pictures of abuse because even if my experiences weren’t physical, they still hurt when I remember them. Deep inside I was thinking, maybe I shouldn’t post this or that I should never write about something like this. It’s heartbreaking and it gives me goosebumps, but I know what I want to do. I want to overcome my past for good and I want to use my voice and my writing to help.

    child-abuse (1)

    speak-out-prevent-child-abuse