Significance of Commitment

What does it mean to be committed in a romantic relationship?

There are many definitions for commitment and below is one.

A Committed Relationship is an interpersonal relationship based upon a mutually agreed-upon commitment to one another involving exclusivity, love, trust, honesty, openness, or some other agreed-upon behavior.

I want to emphasize the words:

Exclusivity

Love is an emotion, a feeling. But when it comes to commitment it is a choice. A choice on who to settle with, who to spend the rest of your life with.

Trust

Honesty in Commitment is being transparent with each other. A matter of self disclosure, but it depends on the couple and it depends on the type of relationship.

Openness to each other is being able to listen, accept, and respect each other’s differing opinions, point of view, and eccentricity.

Behavior Agreed On – In a relationship, there are certain behaviors or attitudes we won’t agree or tolerate. We won’t change their personality, but just like in raising a child, we ignore or discourage the wrongful actions, and we award or acknowledge the right ones.

Commitment means differently with couples who are dating, being in a relationship, engaged, married, and are living together.

1. Dating – You can be exclusive or you are both free to see other people. At this time, the couple is just getting to know each other and are adjusting to each other’s differences, and similarities. The tolerance is very high because it’s new and there’s a flood of endorphins that makes us happy, and serotonin that makes us think of them all the time. Until those chemicals are replaced by attachment and bonding hormones.

2. Being in a relationship – It depends on the type of relationship you have. In this relationship the couple involved have personal and emotional intimacy, friendship, and familiarity, and the commitment to each other or more. It’s a case to case basis because the arrangement depends on the couple.

3. Engaged – Promised to be married in a later or future date. The couple here had dated for years and are now ready to spend their lives together under the same roof. The relationship is exclusive and he or she should not see or date anyone else.

4. Married – The couple at this point had compromised some things in their life to make the relationship work and keep it. The couple is now ready to take the next level which is to start a new family, provided they are already financially established, and both can now provide for their future children.

5. Common Law Marriage – Also known as couples who had lived together. Apparently there are two kinds of couples here. They have the same benefits of a marriage couple, but some couples are living together but have a different type or arrangement in a relationship.

a) Couple who are just trying if a relationship between each other will work for them.

b) Couple are ready to take the next level, but have decided to wait to save money.

Before making a commitment, a couple needs to know what is a commitment and what it is to them. Because along those commitment are choices that they are willing to make, to make the commitment, and to keep it for a long time.

You also need to define the commitment.

Are you just curious to be in a relationship?

Is it Casual?

Are you committed?

You also need to ask yourself.

Is he capable of giving you what you want in a relationship?

Is he the person you want to get involve with or be with for the rest of your life?

Do you share similar expectations for the relationship? same future goals? 

Are you currently involved with someone who has the potential to be a healthy partner?

When a person can’t commit, it could be because:

• He is not ready to be committed

He hasn’t found the person he can see himself with for a long time

His fear of commitment or his problem comitting might come from a bad experience or from his parents and/ or upbringing

In a relationship there are two definitions of commitment that are important and helps in making a couple make the commitment and keep it. Your definition and his definition. If that definition doesn’t match, then there’s going to be a problem.

If a couple makes a commitment, they are sacrificing something, but are also gaining something.

You will both promise to do everything in your power to make it work and not just end up like the other couples on TV who cheated, who got divorced or annulled.

I have nothing against them, getting divorced or annulled, but when you have a relationship, they should never be an option when you get married.

A couple before getting into a serious relationship or in a committed relationship, they should consider that you will both undergo changes in life and you can bet that both of you will grow and mature, but you can also change for the worst. The couple needs to be ready for those changes, and to battle the problems together that will come along the way. You don’t fix that by texting or calling. Do that face to face to prevent more misunderstandings.

Those unmatched qualities or differences that attracted you in the beginning of your relationship can also be the reason for both of you to push each other to change or mold them into someone you want or imagined them to be. That is a big No-no.  That is why from the start, you don’t get married because you are meant to be, because you have chemistry, but because the qualities and personalities you have is a right balance of like attract likes and opposite qualities. You get married because they make you feel complete. You get married because you want to see yourself with them after so many years.

Their set of qualities, differences, and personality, balances or completes your set of qualities, differences, and personality.

In a commitment, you trust each other to be loyal, faithful, honest, and to both work hard on making and keeping the commitment last.

Furthermore, communication plays a big role in commitments. You need to communicate the definition or status of your relationship, and where and what is your take in your relationship and commitment with him.

If everything is clear between the two of you, then heartaches, disappointments, wasted feelings, and wasted time can be prevented.

 

A couple is expected to build a mature relationship through commitment. If you can’t commit, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

A committed relationship is:

 

A relationship is about your commitment to each other, while you consider each other’s welfare.

See some more quotes about relationship commitment below:

 

 

  

 

 

Relationship Analysis: Brown Sugar

Brown Sugar  is a 2002 American romantic comedy film written by Michael Elliott and Rick Famuyiwa, directed by Famuyiwa, and starring Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan. The film is a story of a lifelong friends, A&R Andre and Editor-in-Chief Sidney.
 The movie started with the question, When did you fall in love with Hip-Hop? At first, I didn’t know the significance of that question, until I got to the end of the movie.

It’s not the just the story of how Hip-Hop started and evolved, but it’s also a story about how love grew between two people.

 

Young Dre and Sid

The two can attribute their friendship and the launch of their careers to a single, seminal childhood moment – the day they discovered hip-hop on a New York street corner. Now some 15 years later, as they lay down the tracks toward their futures, hip-hop isn’t the only thing that keeps them coming back to that moment on the corner.

Sidney Shaw fell in love with Hip-Hop and later became a music journalist and a successful editor for the XXL  magazine. She is smart, caring, strong, stubborn, hardworking, sensible, mature, clever, and passionate at what she does. In the movie, Sid served as the voice of reason, although she had her moments of being lost and confused, and when she slept with Dre. At least she made the right decision to ask for some space to think, and figure things out.She is played  by actress, Sanaa Lathan.

Dre Ellis fell in love with Hip-Hop and later became a successful music executive. He is caring, fun, smart, stubborn, hardworking, charming, childish, and a player. In the movie, Dre is a bit messed up for me. He slept with Sid after finding out his wife cheated on him. It was hot, but I don’t consider it as the ultimate consummation of their love for each other. It was just wrong for me. He is played by actor and singer Taye Diggs.

For years, I binge on watching movies about best friends ending up together, but as I grew up, I realized that it’s bullsh*t to push the idea to people. Some writers, producers, and directors don’t understand the process of true love and relationships because if they do, they wouldn’t have done the particular movie theme. It doesn’t mean I’m not a fan of the idea, but I do believe that some best friends are meant to be together. And Brown Sugar is one of the movies, that is realistic and true.

They are not affected by the Westermarck Effect. 

Why? 

Because they had come to like each other first/ fell in love with each other first before they even became friends. 

In the Westermarck Effect, men and women who grew up together in a close proximity have reached a certain level of intimacy and familiarity that prevents them from falling in love. 

What’s great about Dre and Sid is that they fell in love with each other, the day they also fell in love with hip hop. I always consider the first meeting to be important. I’m glad that they included it in the movie and they showed how important it was.

Dre getting engaged with Reese was the trigger of Sid’s secret feelings to come out, and it somehow also triggered Dre’s when they kissed the night before he got married. At first they tried to live their lives like before, but it didn’t work out because of the closeness they have and when Dre quit his job and told Sid first before his wife, Reese.

This is where I relate the quote of Antoine de Saint-Exupery below.

In the movie, Dre and Sid grew up keeping the same direction which is hip hop. They may have different careers, but their careers still involves hip-hop. It’s the factor that held them close to each other including the other factors that they grew up together, and they’re great friends.

Their chemistry in the movie started with Activity chemistry, when they discovered and fell in love with hip-hop when they were ten years old. As a person, we love to spend time with people who has the same interests with us, and the one who shares a hobby, and/or a passion with us.

Due to the 15 years of friendship between them, it made them very familiar of each other. In the movie, I saw the frequent times, Dre went to Sid, despite being married. When it comes to relationship, when the attachment had formed, we want to stick with them. And here, we can see that Dre is glued to Sid despite being married.

As for their Personality and Compatibility, Sid and Dre has compatible personalities, lifestyle, and careers. They are a team. He writes, creates, and/or produces music, and she writes a review about it. Dre is the thinker and the doer. Sid is also a thinker, a doer, and a supporter. She’s the voice of reason and support to Dre. And Dre also supports and believes in her.

As for the Principle of Completion, Sid gave Dre his key feeling. She supported him in everything as shown on the scene when he told her that he’s going to make his own record label and she became a financial source to him. She told him, “Look, you’re my best friend. There’s nobody who believes in you more than me.” She helped him make his dreams come true, contrary to what his wife did. His wife, Reese, doesn’t know better and she just treated his dream as a hobby.

At the same time, Dre also gave Sid her key feeling to feel complete. He appreciates her as a person, as a friend, and especially her skills as a writer, as an editor, and as a music journalist. He still remembers her first article, and he reads her column on the L.A. Times religiously, because it makes him feel closer to her. Compared to Kelby, her fiance, who only read the article she wrote about him. Sure, I’ll give him some break and consider that he did promised to read all her work, he takes care of her, he cooks for her, and he’s trying to accept Sid’s friendship with Dre. 

The problem is Sid is not just committed to him, the way she’s committed to Dre and his dreams and to her work. Her relationship with Kelby is a relationship that’s bound to end from the start.

Another good thing going on between them is their Intimacy. Sid and Dre already have emotional intimacy because of their 15 years of friendship. And that intimacy equates to the level of familiarity the characters have. That familiarity provided the characters a comfort blanket that made them stick to each other. 

As for Dre and Sid’s Lovemap, I will compare it to the research John Money, Emeritus Psychologist and Sexologist, had done years ago with kids. He conducted a research with kids ages from 8 to 11 years old. It is where he showed them pictures of other kids and made them choose. Then several years later, he got back to them and discovered that majority of them were married to the person who’s got a similarity to the person they chose from the pictures.

That research also applied to Sid and Dre. The only difference is they grew up together. They molded each other’s lovemap as they grew up. They both love hip-hop which served as a glue to their friendship and which led them to fall in love with each other. As time goes by, that friendship and love became deeper and more mature. And when that happened, that’s where romantic chemistry and sexual chemistry set in.

In the movie, Sid finished her book and called it “I Used To Love Him“, she described it as her love letter to hip-hop.

Her final words in her book.

I always thought, one day I would outgrow my relationship with hip-hop. 

I never thought it was a fad, like many.

But I never thought it could grow and mature.

I thought it would be an adolescent memory I’d look back on, like a crush on the captain of the football team.
But I realize we have more than that. Much more. 

We have a history…a friendship.
We listen to each other.
We laugh together.
We finish each other’s lyrics.
I don’t have to pretend with hip-hop, and hip-hop doesn’t have to pretend with me.

My feelings have never been more clear, and I know they will never go away.
To Hip-hop.

Just like any best friends who crossed the line of friendship to love, their is a bump and that’s the fear that the relationship might not work, and they might lose the friendship. Which is what happened to Sid. So in the last scene, after some time had passed,  it was finally revealed to everyone that Hip-hop is Dre to Sid. She said.

During Sid’s interview in Hot 97, Dre called and asked her the question back, “When did you fall in love with Hip-Hop?” She finally told him the truth and he told her.

“Sidney… I have loved you from the first time I laid eyes on you.
And I love you still. You’re my air.
So, I don’t want to be your friend no more.”

This is the first time where Sid and Dre told each other that they’ve been in love with each other for a long time after everything that happened between them. It’s doesn’t exactly follow the process or stages of love I wrote about, but it is realistic. After all, love doesn’t care if it’s proper or right, it just wants to exist. And that’s why we all have brains to make the right decision and not just follow our heart all time. Because our emotions, when it comes to love, relationships, and decision making, it can also be governed by being lost, confusion, stress, lust, and more.

What I can say with the script is it was clever. I love the research they made. How they wrote the love story, and include hip-hop in it. It’s probably a very simple story, but it’s the kind of movie every in loved best friends should watch. It’s the kind of movie, you’d want to watch and get that good feeling in the end, also the really good and thrilling feeling of falling in love. The theme of the movie is subtle, the script wasn’t preachy, the scenes, and the chemistry of the actors are not forced. It is a movie, that will make you laugh, cry, fall in love, and feel the thrill for almost two hours.

Friendship and Familiarity Are Needed In Relationships

The secret to a long-lasting and enduring relationship is a strong foundation of friendship.

That’s the common trend in novels, Hollywood movies, and TV series right now. It’s the solution they have to the moonlighting curse. It is when two actors in a will-they-won’t-they situation finally get together, then the ratings will dip and until the show gets canceled. Scriptwriter or authors now, prolong the sexual tension by making the characters friends for a long time while flirting and more, until the right time for them to get together happens.

Flirtations and courtship provides an endless thrill to the audience and even to the readers, but when two characters got together, it doesn’t have that kind of thrill anymore. That’s why some audiences stop watching.

Is it still relevant? I’d say yes and no because I stopped watching some show when the couple got together, but that’s for a different blog post.

Going back to the topic. Yes, friendship does help a lot in making a relationship last. Why?

• Because when two people are friends for a long time, they learn to look past each other’s differences. They accept each other for who they are.
• Because friendship establishes an intimacy that leads to a deep trust.
• Because it eventually provides security through acceptance and familiarity.
• When friends fight, they reconcile because they can’t help being angry at each other, no matter who apologizes first. While some couples won’t reconcile right away because they don’t want to apologize first, they want to be right, and they are holding on to their pride.

So friendship and familiarity goes hand in hand. Two important things that solidifies any relationship.

A relationship without friendship is like a house just standing on the ground without roots embedded below to support and pass the test of time like storms, and hurricanes

When two people has a strong friendship, they get to establish a certain level of intimacy and familiarity that gives you a feeling of love and belongingness. Attached with it are respect and acceptance. If you want to keep someone in your life, you would want to keep someone who;

1) accepts you for who you are,
2) respects your beliefs, dreams, principles and decisions in life,
3) makes you feel secure,
4) lets you be yourself all the time,
5) is always honest and straightforward with you rather than lie to protect you,
6) will not take advantage of your kindness, weakness, and/or naivete,
7) you can rely on through ups and down,
8) will teach you about life and enjoy it too,
9) who will teach you what’s right from wrong,
10) who will always have faith and believe in you and more.

And those descriptions above is a description of a friend, and not just a lover who will warm your bed. Couples in a relationship also have those things I mentioned above, but with couples who are friends first, the intensity, commitment, loyalty, respect, passion, and love is much deeper and stronger.

After all, friends are irreplaceable, but you can always meet someone new to date if it doesn’t work. Of course, there are friendships that don’t workout, but most people don’t easily give up on their partners because of the deep friendship they have compared to couples who only got together because they have good chemistry and they fell in love.

Chemistry is a trigger of a good relationship, but it is not good enough reason to get together. Love is very important, but it’s not true that love conquers all as well.

In a relationship, you need; Chemistry, Compatibility, Intimacy, Friendship, Familiarity, Love, and a matched Lovemap.

The Importance of Intimacy

When I was fourteen years old, I have a text mate and let’s just call him Josh. I was actually texting my classmate, but I found out that one of the numbers I typed were wrong.

We became friends. At first, he didn’t want me to become a text mate because I’m younger than him. I kept asking him how old he is, but he never told me. We texted about school, life, and forwarded quotes. Since I was young and naive, I developed some feelings for him. Again, at first, he wanted to stop talking to me because of our age gap, but in the end, we became more. It was only for a few months, then he disappeared.

After two months, it was December and I was trying to finish my cross stitch project. He texted me let’s meet. I told him why, and he said, so we can become more intimate.

I got scared and nervous because for me, being intimate means to have sex.

Now, I know now Intimacy don’t just mean physical, it also means emotional. In our time, it is prevalent among the teens and even the ones in college to believed to show someone you love, you should have sex with them. In fact, when I was googled images for this blog after typing intimacy, majority of the results were couples on bed.

Back in College, I’d known so many of friends who did it and said, they did it to prove their love for the guys their dating. I’m not here to preach on what age people should have sex, but rather to encourage emotional intimacy to deepen and strengthen the connection of two people.

I don’t think that sex should be a pre-requisite for a woman to prove her love and vice versa, but that’s for a different post.

Partners and marriage couples tend to separate for many reasons, but one of them is the lack of intimacy, the physical and the emotional. Once in a while, it’s important to get physical even just once a week because it assures and solidifies the existing connection you already have by the bonding hormone Oxytocin and Vasopressin, which is responsible for attachment.

Intimacy indicates a deep understanding of something. Do you get it? Now let me explain it to you, Into-Me-See. Now, you get it right? Emotional Intimacy is one of the most important among the four types. Some couples can last even without getting physical because the emotional connection and satisfaction they get from each other. Some people have problems connecting because they don’t know how.

The 4 Types of Intimacy

(1) Cognitive or Intellectual Intimacy – It is when you share ideas, thoughts, similarities and differences.

(2) Experiential Intimacy or Intimacy Activity – From the word experience, it is when the couple do things together and much better if they try new things together to create novelty and maintain the chemistry in your relationship.

(3) Emotional Intimacy – It is sharing of feelings and emotions. Getting to know and understand the person’s emotional side.

(4) Physical Intimacy – This is the most popular because tv series and movies had sold this notion over and over again. Which is sexual activity and sensual expression towards each other.

The key to expressing intimacy is showing vulnerability and curiosity. At the same time, if the two of you have unrealistic expectations or conflicting issues that you keep ignoring and delaying, you’ll be able to fix it.

How to show intimacy? Partners and couples should ask these questions and explore the answers to strengthen and solidify your relationship.

1. What strength do you bring in the relationship? 
2. Describe the moment you knew he/she is the one for you. 
3. When was the time of your life when you think your relationship needs more tension? 
4. How satisfied are you with the amount of time you spent with your special someone? 
5. What’s one way you could be a better couple? 
6. What are you most scared about your future? 
7. What is something that you and your special someone used to do that you miss now? 
8. What does he/she makes you feel when you’re with them? 
9. What is your relationship views? 
10. What are your expectations in this relationship? 
11. What are your plans in the relationship? 

Those are few questions, you are free to add more questions on the list.

There are also barriers to intimacy.

1. Lack of communication
2. Lack of time
3. Self-Awareness – If you don’t know yourself, then you won’t know what you want in a relationship.
4. Fear of Rejection – This is normal and I’m sure everyone can relate to this, but it’s something you must overcome. How can you share your beliefs in a relationship when you’re afraid? How can you make a relationship work if you’re afraid to do something about it? Take a risk and live life.

So what happen to us (me and Josh)?

Aside from feeling scared and nervous, I was also angry. This guy disappeared and came back to me and treated me like a booty call. I ended things for good. Today, I’m glad he disappeared in my life. I like to think that if he didn’t leave, I would have still refused to meet him, but there’s part of me that might have agreed. Besides if he didn’t leave, by December, maybe we’d already known each other much better. I might have trusted him more then.

Below are various views on Intimacy:

In Intimacy Institute, there are eight kinds of intimacy. Click the image to go to their link.

Who Will Complete Me? : Understanding Compatibility

It is morning and you enter a crowded restaurant, pause and look around. Where should you sit? There are only two tables, each with a guy sitting across from and unoccupied chair.

The guy on the left is wearing a crisp polo shirt and black slacks. He’s eating a Salad Niçoise slowly and keeps glancing at his phone. He has a maroon briefcase with a white cloth folded on top of it. He raises his gaze and sees you. He smiles and offers the other chair.

The guy on the right is wearing a black shirt with a skull graphic in the center. He’s eating a Filet de Boeuf Sauce au Poivre. At his side is a black bag on the floor, but you can’t make out the shape. A worn copy of Carrie by Stephen King is on his table. He notices you when you come in, points to the chair in front of him and smiles.

Who do you choose?

It’s more important than just choosing where to sit for the morning.

You make assumptions based on your impressions of each guy.

What are those assumptions?

What can you tell about their personalities?

And more importantly, which of those personalities do you believe would best compliment you?

We’ve all seen the Charmed and Before Sunrise, laughing at the idea of finding love through horoscopes, personalities and compatibility tests. But these play a huge role in the decisions we make about friendships, partnerships, and relationships whether we realize it or not. There’s no such thing as not compatible. There’s only more compatible couple and less compatible couple.

In college, I had a friend whose personality was one-hundred percent the opposite of mine. Because of our differences, I shrugged her off countless times. I even promised myself that I’d never fall for a guy with the type of personality that my friend had. But eventually, she and I became very good friends. In fact, we’ve been the best of friends for almost ten years now.

Despite our differences, we found tons of similarities with each other. We started to joke that our personalities are so compatible to the point that if one of us was a guy, we’d be getting married after college. I learned to laugh at our differences. I also learned that compatibility is much more than similarities or differences in our personality. Ever since then, my friend’s personality has become my criteria in dating guys and years later I accidentally fell for a guy who has the same personality as her.

I’ve made unexpected discoveries about just how much compatibility plays a role in our day-to-day relationships with friends, family, and that special someone. My relationships have improved after applying what I learned from Personality Plus, a book by Florence Littauer about the four kinds of personalities. I’ve learned to understand people around me and easily read their personality. The book proved what I experienced with my college friend and the guy I eventually fell for.

Many prominent people have been teaching men and women to find their right match and to coexist with people we don’t get along.

And there are different ways that each categorizes and defines compatibility. Dr. Helen Fisher, the author and matchmaking consultant behind the dating website Chemistry.com, is focused on four temperaments to find dating compatibility.

Florence Littauer, known for her book Personality Plus, and Nicholas Boothman, the force behind matchedopposites.com, both have their own definition of the four basic personality types for compatibility. Still, others base compatibility on astrology like Linda Goodman in her New York Times bestseller, Love Signs.

Unfortunately, scientists and authors can’t always agree on an exact definition because it could be applied psychologically, astrologically and so many other ways.

People are psychologically compatible when their way of thinking matches and when they have complementary traits, values, beliefs, hobbies, or experiences. But that is where astrology comes into play and since our psychology and the characteristic of our astrological sign often contradict each, the fine line between them is blurred.

The personalities, temperaments and signs described in numerous books are very elaborate. They have different names and definitions, but they are all related. I’ve taken all the tests, studied the theories and experimented by applying them to people I know. I also had some of my friends take the test so I could compare the results.

What I’ve learned is that compatibility is the right combination of opposite qualities,  and similar hobbies, principles, values, direction and qualities that will help a romantic relationship to grow mature and last longer. We are all looking for a key feeling, not someone.

We don‘t really fall for the guy, instead that guy complemented our personality by making us feel what we’ve been looking for. Compatibility serves the principle of completion. We need a certain feeling to be completed that is based on our personality.

The same idea applies to friendship. I choose to be around people with whom I get along and those who share my hobbies, values, and principles. Even if we have different personalities and astrological signs, these traits are based on a lot of similarities. Our differences and similarities complement each other and completes us.

Just a little reminder: It is I love the kind of person I am when I am with him. I am happier and my life is better with this person. It is not, I can’t live without him or I can’t exist or survive without him. I say this because several people mistakes the term “you complete me” with a toxic relationship, where a couple needs each other to survive. We are already a complete person on our own.

Going back to the restaurant scenario, I’d choose the guy on the right because his choice of food might be an indication that he’s not that strict when it comes to his lifestyle. His black bag lying on the floor was a violin case and that complements my love of music and piano playing. We both loved reading mysteries and I enjoyed the book, the movie, and the musical, Carrie. These clues helped me make a quick decision about where I might like to enjoy my morning coffee.

Let me remind that yes, assumptions are not always right, but as people, it’s our nature to respond to something familiar. That is one way how a *lovemap works in people’s lives, through familiarity. That’s why abused people are prone in creating the same abusive relationships with other people.  That’s why women tend to fall for a guy who’s like their father, and vice versa. Familiarity.

In the case above, I chose the one whom I feel more comfortable and familiar with. I can sit with the other guy eating Salad but in my mind, he seems too intimidating to me and it will pressure me to order something light. On the other hand, I can sit with the guy reading Carrie, at least in my mind, I can easily start a conversation with him and order something I’ll enjoy more. Or I can sit with other people who I might find less intimidating and more interesting. Now, that says a lot about my personality. How about you?

We can fall in love with a person who we have little similarities, but if he gave us the feeling we’re looking for, and we also gave him that feeling, then it’s a done deal. Some people don’t choose the person they end up with based on a personality all the time, but because they made them feel complete. Find who you are more compatible with because people with compatible personalities don’t have to work as hard as people with less compatible personalities. So still, kudos to the couples who are so different, but they made it work. After all, no matter how big or little the similarities are, one of the important ways to make a relationship work and stand the test of time, is how a couple handles their differences.

*Thusly marked words are defined on this LINK.

What is Chemistry?

Chemistry, some have it instantaneously with someone and some doesn’t.

All these years, I can recall all the guys I liked or had fallen for. There were six of them, the four were schoolmates, but among them the last two stood out. They were the ones whom I felt a strong chemistry with. Surprisingly, the last person was the most unlikely I’ll ever like or love. Why? He’s basically the complete opposite of my preferences.

So why did I feel that way towards him?

In fact, out of the last two, my feelings for him were more intense and stronger especially after he talked to me. My feelings for him were the hardest to remove because of the chemistry. There are eight types of chemistry and I’m pretty sure I felt the four.

1. Intellectual Chemistry

The first time I saw him, the idea of him, his work and his writing invigorated me. I just wanted to get to know him! We talked and I thought, it was nice of him to take people like me seriously.

2. Emotional Chemistry

I got to know him a little better and his story became an inspiration to me and his passion in reaching his dreams, somehow served as a catalyst. He gave my life a 180-degree turn for the better.

3. Sexual Chemistry

The guys I like are usually clean-shaven, with a tall, lanky frame and they don’t have tattoos, but he’s not clean-shaven, has a huge, hunk-like built or maybe I’m just too small for him, and he’s got tons of tattoos. My preferences disappeared, and I stopped believing that people have types. It also led me to start researching why people fall for a certain person or feel chemistry and how it happens.

4. Empowerment Chemistry

When I encountered him online, I never thought I would fall for him and I never thought I’ll get to this: How I am now as a person. This is the last, but it’s the most important of all. Because of Dave’s life story, I felt empowered to pursue my dreams, to be comfortable with my own skin, to never give up, to make my dreams happen, and his existence in my life, made me mature more as a human being. Dave was a hell of a ride, but it’s all worth it because of the things I gained as a person.

For more chemistry types, check this LINK.

First, let’s define it.

Chemistry for me is chemicals in our body that results in feelings of desire, excitement, and danger towards the person. You’ll always remember it, the sudden rush of joy the first time you met or saw him, to some, it’s the first touch and the first kiss. You can’t just get enough of it. According to Elizabeth Baldwin, it is the “igniter and catalyst of a relationship“. Luckily, chemistry happens unconsciously, and spontaneously, anyone can create it.

So how do you create chemistry with anyone you like?

1. Be down-to-earth and sincere

According to Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., “if a person is comfortable with themselves, they are better able to express their true self to the world which makes it better to get to know them, even if perspectives differed”.

2. Use the 4Ws and H (What, When, Where, Why and How)

Determine the person’s interests or things you have in common and talk about it. Remember: Don’t ask questions that are answerable by Yes or No. Don’t talk too much. It should be two-sided. Don’t share too much information right away. Keep it exciting by preserving the element of mystery.

3. Mirror-Image

One of the easiest ways to tell if someone like you is through body language when a man is attracted to you, his body is facing towards you. Mirror-Image creates sexual magnetism. In creating a mirror-image, do it as subtle as you could to the point of being accidental. Notice couples on outdoors some are positioned in a mirror-image. According to Nicholas Boothman, Speaker and Author of How to Make Someone Like You in 90 seconds or less and How to Make Someone Fall In Love With you in 90 minutes or less, synchronizing body movements creates Chemistry.

    

4. Find similar experience

Similar experience lets you connect in a deeper level and get to know and understand each other better. When you disclose personal information, remember to sparingly share very serious or personal stuff right away. Balance the information you give.

Chemistry is not just for couples and you can have it with friends, family, and colleagues.

Unfortunately, According to Helen Fisher, Anthropologist and author of Why We Love and Why Him, Why Her, chemicals responsible for love (dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin) is replaced by different chemicals (Oxytocin, bonding hormone, and vasopressin) responsible for feelings of attachment after two years.

At this stage, it puts the couple in a calm state. The urge to mate and reproduce is replaced by feelings of togetherness and attachment to raise their offspring. So if you want to keep the chemistry going, go back to step number one.

It takes practice to make it second nature, so do it with people around you. It improves skills in creating rapport with anyone and it can lead to relationships: Friendship, Romantic Relationship, or Camaraderie with friends or colleagues.

Below is the science of falling in love, check it out.

Relationship Analysis: Love’s Kitchen

Love’s Kitchen is about Rob Haley (Dougray Scott), an up-and-coming chef and restaurateur in London, is grief-stricken when he loses his wife. With encouragement from his infamous friend and real life TV Chef Gordon Ramsay, Rob decides to spice up his life by turning a run-down country pub into a gourmet restaurant. His food catches the eye – and taste buds – of beautiful American food critic, Kate Templeton (Claire Forlani) and they soon both write a recipe for love that leaves both their hearts – and their stomachs – full.

How did the characters meet?

Rob met Kate when he went to The Boot to inquire the owner if the place is still free.Kate is a food critic and a regular visitor of the place and she told the owner he shouldn’t sell it.

Apparently, Rob has a strong dislike to food critics due to his previous experience before. So he immediately acted like a wounded jerk to her the moment they met.

How the characters in the movie are attracted to each other?

When Rob officially opened The Boot, an incident led Kate and Rob to start a deal that led to a friendship and something more.

The attraction wasn’t apparent when they first met, the second time they encountered each other, that’s when they became friends and slowly got to know each other.

Is it *love at first sight or just *lust at first sight?

In the movie, it is not love at first sight or even lust because Rob is still hung up on his dead wife while Kate didn’t really showed interest in him.

The way they see each other only changed when they started the deal and when Kate tasted the meals he made the second time around and his special trifle.

Was there chemistry between the couple?

What’s great about this couple for me is that their chemistry is a good balance between *intellectual, *sexual and *romantic chemistry.

Intellectual because they connected through food.

Romantic and sexual chemistry started to develop as Kate spends more time with him and his daughter, Michelle.

If you read my relationship analysis posts all the time, you’ll notice that I didn’t go very specific with them.

Why?

When people are faking and forcing chemistry on screen, you can get very specific on how the couple tried to act like they have chemistry.

But the chemistry here is so real and natural, it’s sexy subtle. Throw in a little trivia here, I’m probably wrong, but the main actors playing Rob (Dougray Scott) and Kate (Claire Forlani) is married in real life. I don’t know the whole story so if you’re curious, you can tell me about it.

What is the man’s *lovemap? Is it healthy or not?

The man’s lovemap became unhealthy after his wife died. He refuses to take risks in life. Aside from his wife’s accident, he’s deeply traumatized by the critic, he got that at first he refuses to take a risk on The Boot and getting publicity for The Boot.

It was Kate who had changed things around him. She somehow influenced him to take risks and to resolve his issue with food critics.

My favorite dialog from him to Kate are:

You’ve got to take risks once in a while.

You reminded me of who I was and who I’m supposed to be and what I could be.

Everything has changed because of you.

What is the woman’s *lovemap? Is it healthy or not?

Kate has a healthy lovemap because she is sensible, straightforward, mature, independent, responsible, dominant, proper, does the right thing and has a great sense of humor. Well, you might notice that I’m praising Kate so much, but she’s not perfect. She wasn’t brave enough to confess to Rob that she gave him a bad review years ago.

The movie didn’t focus much on Kate, but if you watch her character. She is so well put together. Yes, she is also sarcastic at some point, which sometimes I find charming and annoying in some parts of the movie.

The great thing about her is she influenced Rob in a big way and even her father. I love her conversation with her Dad when she told him that not everything is about him and how he had hurt her when he fooled around for a while.

Does the relationship contribute to the growth of each person in the relationship?

I’d say, Kate’s personality contributes a lot to Rob’s personality. In fact, in the movie, she may responsible for his failure, but it’s also her who did him a lot of favor.

Do the personalities balance each other, complete each other, or makes them a good team?

Yes. Rob is an introvert while Kate is the opposite. Kate is mature, responsible and a risk taker, but Rob sometimes needs a push to do things.

As for Kate, Rob can tone her impulsiveness and her quick judgment at times.

Are they capable of maintaining a long-lasting relationship?

As long as Rob will stop acting like a bloody fool, a wounded failure, and a jerk. And as long as Kate will have a patience for him and continue giving him stability by being the traits I mentioned above then they will be fine.

Why the relationship will work and last longer? Why not?

The relationship will last because they are both open and straight to each other when it comes to their thoughts,  opinions, and actions.

Well, if Rob acts like an immature, wounded failure and by bringing up the past, and if Kate loses her patience over him, then the relationship won’t even work.

If you’re looking for a movie with foods that will feed your eyes and your taste, unfortunately, that’s not the focus of the movie, it’s the romance, personal growth, and healing. The movie has some bad reviews, but I don’t really care about them because what I care about is the quality of the relationships in movies. It’s a feel good movie with its own charm, funny moments and characters with some growing up lessons and second chances in love.

What’s the point of having a cool plot, explosions, and expensive movie budgets, if the developed characters and relationships are crappy and actors are wrong for the characters? Right?

*Thusly marked words are defined on this LINK.